Good evening!...frankly I'm a bit out of breath from all the in depth stuff......this is a look at Signals throughout the history of military Arts ( or the 'Yartz')....will hopefully bring a smile to your face, just like it did for me!...........Enjoy!!......... FROM 'TERROR' (very old ) to 'PROTECTOR', off Sidi Barrani, 1941...... "AM PROCEEDING AT FULL SPEED TO YOUR ASSISTANCE. MY SPEED IS FOUR KNOTS." FROM SHIP TO SUBMARINE; "PLEASE SEND YOUR TECHNICAL EXPERT TO SEE OUR FOREMOST GUN" REPLY: "OUR TECHNICAL EXPERT CAN SEE YOUR FOREMOST GUN FROM HERE" FROM SUBMARINE (Returning from patrol) to BASE. "EXPECT TO ARRIVE 1800 IF FRIENDLY AIRCRAFT WILL STOP BOMBING ME." FROM SENIOR OFFICER toSUBMARINE, (Apparently in difficulty): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" REPLY: "LEARNING A LOT" Dover Patrol, French destroyers operating with British. Eenemy sighted by the British one afternoon and both immediately gave chase. The French Destroyer kept up for a bit, then dropped rapidly astern in a cloud of steam and smoke.. FROM FRENCH DESTROYER TO BRITISH ALLY: " CAN GO NO MORE...BOILER GO BANG" OCTOBER, 1940....COASTAL COMMAND aircraft is 'laboriously' flashing away to Cruiser 'DUNEDIN' off Rockall. The ship was returning from Norway..... AIRCRAFT: "WHAT SHIP?" CRUISER: "GRAF SPEE":p AIRCRAFT: "ARE YOU NAVAL TYPES SO FAST ASLEEP THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE END OF THE GRAF SPEE?" CRUISER:"WHICH END" FROM COASTGUARD STATION: "A SMALL BOAT APPEARS TO BE STATIONARY OFF BROADSTAIRS ABOUT 3 QUARTER MILE. THE MILITARY HAVE BEEN FIRING AT IT BUT GET NO REPLY." A Russian Convoy was being steadily shadowed night and day by relays of Blohm & Voss flying boats. The aircraft flew round and round the convoy, keeping low on the horizon and well out of range of the escort's gun's. An irritated Escort leader told his signalman to make by lamp in German: "YOU ARE MAKING ME DIZZY...FOR GOD'S SAKE GO ROUND THE OTHER WAY." The signal was read, then acknowledged.....the flying boat flew round the other way immediately! :mellow: From extremely fussy destroyer Flotilla captain to destroyer about to go out to sea on exercises: "HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT TO BE AFTER LEAVING HARBOR" REPLY: "310 FEET AS USUAL." :mellow: Destroyer 'Diamond' has collided with Cruiser 'Swiftsure'.....Diamond is technically in the wrong. Cruiser to Diamond.."WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO NOW" Diamond: "BUY A FARM." ADMIRAL, AFTER CONDUCTING BOMBARDMENT PRACTICE TO REMAINDER OF BATTLE FLEET: "WHO KNOCKED THAT LIGHTHOUSE DOWN AND WHY." From FLEET AIR ARM COMMANDER in Carrier..... to airborne squadrons who are not obeying instructions.... "THIS IS MASTER QUOTING HEBREWS CHAPTER 12 VERSE 8. I QUOTE: BUT IF YE BE WITHOUT CHASTISEMENT WHEREOF ALL ARE PARTAKERS THEN ARE YE BASTARDS. UNQUOTE. I SAY AGAIN, BASTARDS, OUT." .....from one Corvette to another in the middle of a full Atlantic Gale: "HAVE JUST SEEN DOWN YOUR FUNNEL,....FIRE IS BURNING BRIGHTLY" From Flag Officer Eastern Fleet - GENERAL: 0831/24/12/1943. EVERYBODY WISHES EVERBODY ELSE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR. NO FURTHER SIGNALS ARE TO BE MADE. THINK OF THE SIGNALMAN AND THE PAPER SHORTAGE." ...from small South Korean craft to ....British patrol Vessel..... "WE PUT TO PATROL AT 2000. SEA IS BAD. MY SHIP IS LIKE RAGS AND I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN HIM THIS WEATHER. i BEG WITH PARDON YOU MUST TELL ME PUT ASHORE." From Vice-Admiral(Air).... to carrier GLORIOUS: "I PROPOSE INCORPORATING THE FOLLOWING IN MY LETTER OF PROCEEDINGS, HEARD ON THE R/T FROM GLADIATORS PATROL THIS AFTERNOON-TALLY HO TALLY HO I SEE THE BASTARDS. THIS ALLEGATION ON THE PARENTAGE OF THE CREW OF THE JUNKERS 87 ATTACKED WAS PROVED TO BE UNFOUNDED WHEN THEY WERE SUBSEQUENTLY RESCUED." On a RUSSIAN Convoy in May, 1942...USSR Gunboat collides with HMS 'HARRIER...following signal sent from Gunboat... "I AM SORRY WHAT INJURED YOUR SHIP BY APPROACH TO BOARD FOR WHAT I MUST TO BEG PARDON. WE ARE PROUD OF STAUNCHNESS AND COURAGE ENGLISH SEAMENS OUR ALLIES." ADMIRAL TO SHIP: "WHILST AFLOAT WITH MY FLAG FLYING I PASSED YOUR SHIP AT 1250. IT REMINDED ME OF AN AVIARY WITH THE SHIPS COMPANY SITTING ON THE RAILS WITH TAILS TOWARDS ME LIKE BIRDS ON A TWIG." from CRUISER to ADMIRAL.... "MY SEAPLANE IS OUT OF ACTION DUE TO SEAGULLS STROPPING BEAKS ON FABRIC." from DESTROYER to Unknown TRAWLER..... "WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT SIGNAL FLAG YOU ARE FLYING." ANSWER: "REGRET I DON'T KNOW...FLAGS SMELT OF FISH." In World War One, before the days of carriers and patrolling aircraft, an american Battle Squadron was at sea, in close formation....towing kite balloons... USS TEXAS TO USS NEW YORK: "PLEASE ASK YOUR BALLOON OBSERVER TO STOP PISSING ON MY NAVIGATOR." From LOVINCHAR to HMS WASPERTON: "SPDC EAGLESCLIFFE PUMP NO LONGER MANUFACTURED , ALTERNATIVES OFFERED ARE LEFT HAND HANDLED PUMP UNIT AND RIGHT HANDED HANDLED PUMP UNIT. YOUR 232000Z FEB ASKING FOR PUMP HANDLES NOT UNDERSTOOD. DO YOU REQUIRE 1 IN NO GREASE PUMP HAND OPERATED LEFT HANDED HANDLE AND 1 IN NO GREASE PUMP OPERATED RIGHT HANDED PUMP HANDLE OR ONE LEFT HANDED PUMP HANDLE FOR A LEFT HANDE HANDLED PUMP TOGETHER WITH ONE RIGHT HANDLED HANDLE FOR A RIGHT HANDLED HAND OPERATED PUMP," FROM BASE to TROOPING CARRIER: "CAN YOU FREIGHT 12 LIVE SOMALI SHEEP FROM ADEN TO CEYLON." Reply from Troop Carrier: "SHIP WILL ONLY BE STOPPING OFF COLOMBO TO DISEMBARK OFFICERS. CONSIDER IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO LAND SHEEP IN SAME BOAT." FINALLY....FROM THE ANNALS OF AUSTRALIAN MILITARY HISTORY, A MESSAGE THAT CONFIRMS, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, WHEREVER THERE IS A NEED FOR US, AUSTRALIANS WILL BE THERE!!! from NAVAL OFFICER MERSA METRUH, NORTH AFRICA, (after the port was first re-opened.) ........ "SOME GENIUS HAS SENT 1,000 AUSTRALIANS HERE. THEY ARE SITTING ON THE PIER, SHOUTING FOR FOOD. I HAVE NO FOOD, NO SHIPS, NO STORES, NO TRANSPORT, NO INSTRUCTIONS, NO REPLIES TO MY SIGNALS....SITUATION IS IMPOSSIBLE." reply....."Don't let them eat you repeat you. Help is on the way.!" And with that....Thankyou all for coming along!!!