MILITARY SIGNALS: Humorous look at Communications in WWII

Discussion in 'General' started by Christos, Dec 7, 2007.

  1. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Good evening!...frankly I'm a bit out of breath from all the in depth stuff......this is a look at Signals throughout the history of military Arts ( or the 'Yartz')....will hopefully bring a smile to your face, just like it did for me!:D...........Enjoy!!.........



    FROM 'TERROR' (very old ) to 'PROTECTOR', off Sidi Barrani, 1941......

    "AM PROCEEDING AT FULL SPEED TO YOUR ASSISTANCE. MY SPEED IS FOUR KNOTS."


    FROM SHIP TO SUBMARINE;
    "PLEASE SEND YOUR TECHNICAL EXPERT TO SEE OUR FOREMOST GUN"
    REPLY:
    "OUR TECHNICAL EXPERT CAN SEE YOUR FOREMOST GUN FROM HERE"


    FROM SUBMARINE (Returning from patrol) to BASE.
    "EXPECT TO ARRIVE 1800 IF FRIENDLY AIRCRAFT WILL STOP BOMBING ME."



    FROM SENIOR OFFICER toSUBMARINE, (Apparently in difficulty):
    "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
    REPLY: "LEARNING A LOT"


    Dover Patrol, French destroyers operating with British. Eenemy sighted by the British one afternoon and both immediately gave chase. The French Destroyer kept up for a bit, then dropped rapidly astern in a cloud of steam and smoke..
    FROM FRENCH DESTROYER TO BRITISH ALLY: " CAN GO NO MORE...BOILER GO BANG"


    OCTOBER, 1940....COASTAL COMMAND aircraft is 'laboriously' flashing away to Cruiser 'DUNEDIN' off Rockall. The ship was returning from Norway.....
    AIRCRAFT: "WHAT SHIP?"
    CRUISER: "GRAF SPEE":p

    AIRCRAFT: "ARE YOU NAVAL TYPES SO FAST ASLEEP THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE END OF THE GRAF SPEE?"
    CRUISER:"WHICH END"


    FROM COASTGUARD STATION:
    "A SMALL BOAT APPEARS TO BE STATIONARY OFF BROADSTAIRS ABOUT 3 QUARTER MILE. THE MILITARY HAVE BEEN FIRING AT IT BUT GET NO REPLY."


    A Russian Convoy was being steadily shadowed night and day by relays of Blohm & Voss flying boats. The aircraft flew round and round the convoy, keeping low on the horizon and well out of range of the escort's gun's. An irritated Escort leader told his signalman to make by lamp in German:

    "YOU ARE MAKING ME DIZZY...FOR GOD'S SAKE GO ROUND THE OTHER WAY." :mad:
    The signal was read, then acknowledged.....the flying boat flew round the other way immediately! :mellow:



    From extremely fussy destroyer Flotilla captain to destroyer about to go out to sea on exercises:
    "HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT TO BE AFTER LEAVING HARBOR"

    REPLY: "310 FEET AS USUAL." :mellow:


    Destroyer 'Diamond' has collided with Cruiser 'Swiftsure'.....Diamond is technically in the wrong.

    Cruiser to Diamond.."WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO NOW"

    Diamond: "BUY A FARM." :unsure:




    ADMIRAL, AFTER CONDUCTING BOMBARDMENT PRACTICE TO REMAINDER OF BATTLE FLEET:
    "WHO KNOCKED THAT LIGHTHOUSE DOWN AND WHY."





    From FLEET AIR ARM COMMANDER in Carrier..... to airborne squadrons who are not obeying instructions....
    "THIS IS MASTER QUOTING HEBREWS CHAPTER 12 VERSE 8. I QUOTE: BUT IF YE BE WITHOUT CHASTISEMENT WHEREOF ALL ARE PARTAKERS THEN ARE YE BASTARDS. UNQUOTE. I SAY AGAIN, BASTARDS, OUT."




    .....from one Corvette to another in the middle of a full Atlantic Gale:

    "HAVE JUST SEEN DOWN YOUR FUNNEL,....FIRE IS BURNING BRIGHTLY" :eek:





    From Flag Officer Eastern Fleet - GENERAL:

    0831/24/12/1943. EVERYBODY WISHES EVERBODY ELSE A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR. NO FURTHER SIGNALS ARE TO BE MADE. THINK OF THE SIGNALMAN AND THE PAPER SHORTAGE."



    ...from small South Korean craft to ....British patrol Vessel.....
    "WE PUT TO PATROL AT 2000. SEA IS BAD. MY SHIP IS LIKE RAGS AND I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN HIM THIS WEATHER. i BEG WITH PARDON YOU MUST TELL ME PUT ASHORE."



    From Vice-Admiral(Air).... to carrier GLORIOUS:
    "I PROPOSE INCORPORATING THE FOLLOWING IN MY LETTER OF PROCEEDINGS, HEARD ON THE R/T FROM GLADIATORS PATROL THIS AFTERNOON-TALLY HO TALLY HO I SEE THE BASTARDS. THIS ALLEGATION ON THE PARENTAGE OF THE CREW OF THE JUNKERS 87 ATTACKED WAS PROVED TO BE UNFOUNDED WHEN THEY WERE SUBSEQUENTLY RESCUED."


    On a RUSSIAN Convoy in May, 1942...USSR Gunboat collides with HMS 'HARRIER...following signal sent from Gunboat...

    "I AM SORRY WHAT INJURED YOUR SHIP BY APPROACH TO BOARD FOR WHAT I MUST TO BEG PARDON. WE ARE PROUD OF STAUNCHNESS AND COURAGE ENGLISH SEAMENS OUR ALLIES."


    ADMIRAL TO SHIP::mad:

    "WHILST AFLOAT WITH MY FLAG FLYING I PASSED YOUR SHIP AT 1250. IT REMINDED ME OF AN AVIARY WITH THE SHIPS COMPANY SITTING ON THE RAILS WITH TAILS TOWARDS ME LIKE BIRDS ON A TWIG."


    from CRUISER to ADMIRAL....
    "MY SEAPLANE IS OUT OF ACTION DUE TO SEAGULLS STROPPING BEAKS ON FABRIC."


    from DESTROYER to Unknown TRAWLER.....
    "WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT SIGNAL FLAG YOU ARE FLYING."

    ANSWER: "REGRET I DON'T KNOW...FLAGS SMELT OF FISH."


    In World War One, before the days of carriers and patrolling aircraft, an american Battle Squadron was at sea, in close formation....towing kite balloons...
    USS TEXAS TO USS NEW YORK:
    "PLEASE ASK YOUR BALLOON OBSERVER TO STOP PISSING ON MY NAVIGATOR."


    From LOVINCHAR to HMS WASPERTON:

    "SPDC EAGLESCLIFFE PUMP NO LONGER MANUFACTURED , ALTERNATIVES OFFERED ARE LEFT HAND HANDLED PUMP UNIT AND RIGHT HANDED HANDLED PUMP UNIT. YOUR 232000Z FEB ASKING FOR PUMP HANDLES NOT UNDERSTOOD. DO YOU REQUIRE 1 IN NO GREASE PUMP HAND OPERATED LEFT HANDED HANDLE AND 1 IN NO GREASE PUMP OPERATED RIGHT HANDED PUMP HANDLE OR ONE LEFT HANDED PUMP HANDLE FOR A LEFT HANDE HANDLED PUMP TOGETHER WITH ONE RIGHT HANDLED HANDLE FOR A RIGHT HANDLED HAND OPERATED PUMP,"



    FROM BASE to TROOPING CARRIER:
    "CAN YOU FREIGHT 12 LIVE SOMALI SHEEP FROM ADEN TO CEYLON."

    Reply from Troop Carrier:
    "SHIP WILL ONLY BE STOPPING OFF COLOMBO TO DISEMBARK OFFICERS. CONSIDER IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO LAND SHEEP IN SAME BOAT."




    FINALLY....FROM THE ANNALS OF AUSTRALIAN MILITARY HISTORY, A MESSAGE THAT CONFIRMS, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, WHEREVER THERE IS A NEED FOR US, AUSTRALIANS WILL BE THERE!!!


    from NAVAL OFFICER MERSA METRUH, NORTH AFRICA, (after the port was first re-opened.) ........


    "SOME GENIUS HAS SENT 1,000 AUSTRALIANS HERE. THEY ARE SITTING ON THE PIER, SHOUTING FOR FOOD. I HAVE NO FOOD, NO SHIPS, NO STORES, NO TRANSPORT, NO INSTRUCTIONS, NO REPLIES TO MY SIGNALS....SITUATION IS IMPOSSIBLE.":mad:


    reply....."Don't let them eat you repeat you. Help is on the way.!"




    And with that....Thankyou all for coming along!!!:D
     
    the_historian likes this.
  2. the_historian

    the_historian Pillboxologist

    I love it! :D
    If someone published a few volumes of these, they would be guaranteed best sellers!
     
  3. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Thjanks ol mate...these 'nice' articles are fun and quick to put together!


    Hope you enjoyed!
     
  4. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    HEY wow....do you actually live in BANNOCKBURN?.....tell us a little bit about the Battle.....Robert Bruce, Humphrey De Bohon....and the well known story of the English fiasco at The Carse.....Bannockburn is a very interesting engagement!....I wish I lived near a field like that....you would never get me out of the museum!
     
  5. the_historian

    the_historian Pillboxologist

    Yes, I live in the village. It's actually on the battlefield, but given the size of the engagement, that's an area about five miles square anyway!
    The English were incredibly stupid to camp down on the Carse, given that it's overlooked on the south side by an ancient elevated shoreline for about eight miles east of Stirling. This not only gave the Scots a height advantage, but ensured the English were hemmed in between the Pelstream and Bannock burns and the River Forth. The only way out was across the still extant gorge which runs all the way from the Carse to the Roman road in Whins of Milton, two miles south. They had little chance.
    As an aside, King James III was murdered at Beaton's Mill in Whins of Milton (at the south end of the same gorge) in 1488 after the battle at nearby Sauchieburn. He had had an omen of being killed in the battle, so stayed out of it. As he fled north to the ford at Beaton's Mill after seeing his army defeated, his horse was spooked at a still extant well. He was carried into the miller's house (destroyed by vandals in 1950) where a stranger dressed as a friar stabbed him to death. Lucky sort of chap........
     
  6. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Lords Sake me ol' mate.....get some PICTURES and give us some local battle knowledge......Im a real fan of the whole period. The Scottish Army of Robert Bruce is not exactl well documented.

    Saw a pair of military archeaologists in an English television show called "Two Men in a Trench"....They did a study of Bannockburn for one of their shows...they found a STIRRUP from the period on the open field where the English camped, then they uncovered the old Roman road, guessing at the direction of the road as going straight froma modern corner of a road...they got it right and uncoivered a road that had been hidden for a long time....they also found a piece of tree; this piece of tree was so old and had come from a part of Emngland...These trees did not grow in Scotland, apparently, and the suggestion was that these pieces of wood were used for 'stakes' in the ground as defences put there by the Scots.....The local museum apparently has an example of just this kind of 'stake', supposedly from the battle itself. This pair where given the chance at dating a piece from the artifact, and found that it did not match the period,....the museum, naturally enough, didn't believe them. I'm just wondering if there was any historical fallout from the work done by these two blokes at Bannockburn....their conclusions on the battle were just great, and SOUNDED very well reaerched......Oh my....I would just LOVE to live near something like that.....you really would never get me out of the museum or off the battlefield itself...

    You lucky man!
     
  7. von Poop

    von Poop Adaministrator Admin

    At Bannockburn in 1314.
    The Scots beat the English.
    Most unsporting.

    Where is Bannockburn anyway? No such place I reckon, obviously made up... -_-
     
  8. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Von Poop.....I am still laughing at that one.....i can barely type a reply!

    OH yes. ....OBVIously a figment of our imaginations.......Just remember, Engalnd has a history of losing battles and winning wars....
    If I was an English
    Knight or man at Arms of the period, I wouldn't want to KNOW where Bannockburn was either!

    Still laughing at that one....could have been a joke by the English of the period themselves....oh well done sir!
     
  9. the_historian

    the_historian Pillboxologist

    At Bannockburn in 1314.
    The Scots beat the English.
    Most unsporting.

    Where is Bannockburn anyway? No such place I reckon, obviously made up... -_-

    Poor chap....obviously still in denial! :p

    Yes, I saw that episode of TMIAT, Christos. Where they found the stirrup is called the drying fields locally, and is now the local High school. It's just above the Carse and to the west of the gorge. The Roman road is only a few hundred yards from my house.
    I'll look out the photos later, I used to have a page devoted to the battle on my website.
     
  10. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Anything local on this marvellous piece of history would be most welcome....I'll even type out an article on your favourite topic in return for your efforts....name your topic and it will be done!

    And wait a minute....."is now the local high school"....didn't anybody point out that they were building on Scot's history?....I'm appalled!
     
  11. von Poop

    von Poop Adaministrator Admin

    Now Falkirk, I know where that is. Everyone knows where that is...
     
  12. the_historian

    the_historian Pillboxologist

    Now Falkirk, I know where that is. Everyone knows where that is...

    I could point out there were two battles in Falkirk.....but there's one there every Saturday night! :D

    Christos,
    The school was built 30 years ago, when no-one could definitely say where the actual fighting took place.
     
  13. Christos

    Christos Discharged

    Glad to see that somebody thoguht of the history......I had always thought that the Scot's were PROUD of their colourful history.....nice to see they still are!
     
  14. At Home Dad (Returning)

    At Home Dad (Returning) Well-Known Member

    Fantastic!



     
  15. Ron Goldstein

    Ron Goldstein WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran Patron

    AtHomeDad

    Thanks for resurrecting this thread which I had missed the first time round :)

    Ron
     
  16. Drew5233

    Drew5233 #FuturePilot 1940 Obsessive

    I love it! :D
    If someone published a few volumes of these, they would be guaranteed best sellers!


    I think there's a couple out there already with similiar content. FUBAR and Don't cry for me Sergeant Major springs to mind :unsure:
     
  17. Winch

    Winch Junior Member

    FROM 'TERROR' (very old ) to 'PROTECTOR', off Sidi Barrani, 1941......

    "AM PROCEEDING AT FULL SPEED TO YOUR ASSISTANCE. MY SPEED IS FOUR KNOTS."

    This one especially tickled me as my Great Uncle Ernest Clark was an officer on HMS Terror at this time and may even have been responsible for this signal! :lol:
     
    Seroster likes this.
  18. timuk

    timuk Well-Known Member

    The examples in Post 1 would all appear to have been extracted from 'Make another signal' by Captain Jack Broome, DSC, RN published in 1973.

    Tim
     
    Seroster likes this.
  19. Seroster

    Seroster Canadian researcher

    I forget where I had this from.

    A lowly subaltern was in charge of a small fleet of DUKWs ferrying supplies back and forth from Sicily to the mainland of Italy in 1943. A destroyer in the strait signalled a message to him. Trembling, he decoded the message to find out what he had done wrong.

    The destroyer's message was: QUACK QUACK
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2018

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