This is no joke! First published in the British humour magazine "Punch" on April 3, 1957: But VERY Pertinent to what's happening today! Q: What are banks for? A: To make money. Q: For the customers? A: For the banks. Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this? A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made. Q: Out of the customers? A: I suppose so. Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too? A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money. Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere? A: Not at all. They lend it to customers. Q: Then they haven't got it? A: No. Q: Then how is it Assets? A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back. Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere? A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities. Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it? A: Because it isn't theirs. Q: Then why do they have it? A: It has been lent to them by customers. Q: You mean customers lend banks money? A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks. Q: And what do the banks do with it? A: Lend it to other customers. Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets? A: Yes. Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing? A: You can't really say that. Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it? A: Yes, but.... Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all? A: Theoretically...... Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts?? A: I told you. That is the money they have made. Q: How? A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest. Q: How much? A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit. Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money? A: It's the theory of banking practice that......... Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest? A: You do. Q: You don't say. How much? A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent. Q: Grasping of me, rather? A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again. Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden! A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again. Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it? A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else. Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me? A: Certainly. Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer? A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money. Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it? A: You're being purposely obtuse. Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once? A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would. Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments? YOU GOT IT!
I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women. I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer. Later in life, questions arose over my real name. My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate. I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and did not follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny. I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them. That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career. I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child. I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a gold tongue and could talk to anyone and motivate them. That reinforced my conceit. I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organisation. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I was a magnet and they were small roofing tacks. I drew large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego. At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy, then on change. I was very critical of my country in the war and seized every opportunity to bash my country. But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy and the need for change. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed and housed for free. I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks and corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate these institutions and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight. I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to people. I was the surprise candidate. I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support. I knew that, if I merely offered the people "hope," together we could change our country. So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities." My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader. I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't as I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth. Who am I? Cheers Paul ADOLF HITLER (WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?)
I thought it might be Herr Schickelgruber, Paul, the author of Mien Kampf. Or some equally reprehensible sod. Try this old one: A man is studying a photograph and says "Brothers and sisters, have I none, but that man's father is my father's son". Who's in the photo? (Explanation in the next post, if necessary) Les
A man is studying a photograph and says "Brothers and sisters, have I none, but that man's father is my father's son". Who's in the photo? Why tis himself that he's talking about.
'my father's son' is ME. 'that man's father' is therefore ME. So 'that man' must be my SON! Quad erat demonstrandum n'est-ce pas?
My wife called her acupuncturist in the middle of the night and told him she was in great pain. He told her to take two safety pins and to call him again in the morning.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect. "Really", answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
A farmer had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. The farmer responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?' The farmer said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 'Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now, what the F*ck would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Whats the Difference between a Pigeon and a Banker? a pigeon can still afford to put a "deposit" on a BMW!!!!
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Man Utd fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave
1.Whats the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United??? Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next Season!!! 2.Do you know anyone who can fix a Sat-Nav because mine is telling me that Liverpool is still in Europe!!!
COURT ROOM HUMOR The following statements were actually made during court cases. >From the Internet; source(s) unknown. Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. >From a defendant representing himself: Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think all prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand: Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court. Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son...the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere?
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
Supposedly authentic court exchange: High court hang-ups - Miles Kington, Columnists - The Independent A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand. A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand. Counsel: What is your name? Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler. Counsel: Is that your own name? Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is? Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name. Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it? Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court. Chrysler: Which court? Counsel: This court. Chrysler: What is the name of this court? Counsel: This is No 5 Court. Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court? Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is! Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name. Counsel: No, not really, you see because... Judge: Mr Lovelace? Counsel: Yes, m'lud? Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you. Counsel: Thank you, m'lud. Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated. Judge: Shut up, witness. Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would... Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace. Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers. Chrysler: I am. Counsel: Can you explain how this came about? Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up. Counsel: Is that true? Chrysler: No. Counsel: Then why did you say it? Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance. Counsel: Off balance? Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister. Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions. Chrysler: Was that a question? Counsel: No. Chrysler: Then I can't answer it. Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can. Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers? Chrysler: Is that a question? Counsel: Yes. Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know – "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..." Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand? Chrysler: Yes, m'lud. Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace. Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes? Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.
