aint limerick gotta be aabba? Limericks consist of five anapaestic lines. Lines 1, 2, and 5 of Limericks have seven to ten syllables and rhyme with one another. Lines 3 and 4 of Limericks have five to seven syllables and also rhyme with each other.
I will quit on that front, as it seemed to tax the minds. However, real life is strange. My chum just sent this over from the States, and it seemed to good to keep to myself. Here's one for the record books: A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still Apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' Citibank: ' Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given) After they get the fax: Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?) Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' Citibank: 'That might help...' Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet?
All you can do is shake your head at some of these stupids. In my more non-compassionate moments, I think that they should be forced to wear signs to warn the rest of the world. Then I remember, but for grace, I might just as easily wander off down that road.
A Gynecologist Who Wanted To Be A Mechanic A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment." Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. “That's right." Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No." the man said, "Actually I've only just heard about it." "All right." said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary...." muttered the man "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" “No.... not really," said the acquaintance. "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was mentally defeated and ashamed. He pondered the wisdom of the thoughts of Socrates and eventually, walked away in silence. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
A naughty one About twenty mafia men killed in a shootout with the police turned up at the pearly gates in heaven and rang the bell St Peter came out and spoke to them and said before I open the gates I shall have to get some guidance on this so he went away to speak to J.C who said this is the wrong place for them tell them to go and see Saturn down below St Peter went away only to return breathless two minutes later and J.C said have they gone yes said St Peter and so have the bloody gates niccar
Ahhhh, a good thread saved from the jaws of thread jacking! --------- Laurence and Nathan have been arguing with each other for many months, and they have recently even taken to shouting at each other in shul. But with Yom Kippur coming up, Rabbi Bloom doesn’t want to hear them arguing during the service. So he calls them both over to his house. With both of them standing in front of him, Rabbi Bloom says, "Listen to me, both of you. You now must, and I mean must, make peace with each other. God does not want two of his children arguing in front of him all the time. You will soon be going to shul to pray for God to forgive you your sins. But how can you do this if you can’t first of all forgive your fellow man?" Laurence and Nathan are moved by Rabbi Bloom’s plea. Laurence looks at Nathan and moves towards him. Nathan opens his arms and soon they are both hugging each other. They then promise not to fight and argue any more. Two weeks later in shul, as soon as the Kol Nidrei service finishes, Nathan goes over to Laurence, shakes his hand warmly, and says, "Laurence, just to let you know that I prayed for you tonight. I prayed everything that you prayed for me." Laurence replies, "Oy Vay, you’re starting up again already?"
Without the slightest intention of offending anyone A Roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi having a friendly chat and up came the obvious taboo’s in their respective religions the RC said to the Rabbi I hear that you are forbidden to eat bacon and can you really say you have never tasted it to which the Rabbi replied well as a very young lad I had many friends and one was a young protestant lad and his mother gave me a sandwich one day after I had eaten it they told me it was bacon and I must admit it tasted very nice but from what I hear you are supposed to lead a celibate life can you honestly say you have never had sex in your life to which the RC priest after a while said well before I went into college for the priesthood I think I was about sixteen I must admit I did succumb but have since been celibate .The Rabbi said with wry smile its better than bacon isn’t it niccar
A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The tourist, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the tourist returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair." "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "that there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" The man quietly replied: "Ah! But Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twot"? Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I Should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit "
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain". And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade. For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink." And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein. And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Armored Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT's for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armor and saw that it was mediocre. The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." To the DAT's the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry." And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein. And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out." Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes." Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. And the Infantry, the Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defense Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness. And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps. Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signalers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police.. Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics. And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein. Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?" Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
Disney Studios want to set up a Flintstone Theme Park in the Middle East. Kuwait and Dubai don’t want it, but Abu Dhabi do.
Disney Studios want to set up a Flintstone Theme Park in the Middle East. Kuwait and Dubai don’t want it, but Abu Dhabi do. Groan! That was funny GH
In retaliation, I offer you this: A string walks into abar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
