Jokes thread

Holy Prostitutes'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye......It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought......
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on
this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

I have a proposal for a joke thread with a twist. Why don't we write a collective limmerick, that is, I will offer the first line, some one else jump in to write the second, and in five lines, we have a global limmerick created. Maybe we can even have our own thread if we get really good at this piffle. So, here goes:

There was an old soldier from Kent,

 

There was an old soldier from Kent,
Who's bayonet was severly bent,

 

There was an old soldier from Kent,
Who's bayonet was severly bent,
He went searching for an Anvil,

 

There was an old soldier from Kent,

Who's bayonet was severely bent,

He went searching for an anvil,

But fell on an ant-hill,

 

Assuming the last one is concluded......Dare I say:

'There was a young ozzie pilot from Sydney'

 

Drew - you can't assume anything these days - FIVE lines

" and ran all the way back to Kent" .......

Cheers

 

Confucius sayings:

Confucius Say: Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius Say: Woman who put husband in dog house, will soon find him in cat house.

Confucius Say: Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.

Confucius Say: Man who run in front of bus get tired.

Confucius Say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius Say: Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius Say: It take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.

Confucius Say: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Confucius Say: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Confucius Say: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Confucius Say: Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky finger.

 

Drew - you can't assume anything these days - FIVE lines

" and ran all the way back to Kent" .......

Cheers

Just confirmed what I already knew....I'm crap at Jokes

 

Assuming the last one is concluded......Dare I say:

'There was a young ozzie pilot from Sydney
Who decided to test out his kidney

'
That's the Spirit folks. Well done, Tom & Diane.

 

There was young ozzie pilot from Sydney

Who decided to try out his kidney

So in the mess he drank all the beer

 

There was young ozzie pilot from Sydney

Who decided to try out his kidney

So in the mess he drank all the beer

For we all knew he had no fear

 

There was ayoungozzie pilot from Syney

who decided to try out his kidney

So in the mess he drank all the beer

For all we knew he had no fear

But it did rather make him a bit tiddley

 

Not bad, not bad lads, and here is another to tempt the poets among us:

There was a young WREN in Gibraltar


[and why they all have to be young .... hmmm .... will think about that]

 

There was a young WREN in Gibraltar
Whose boy friend was a real "Old Salter"

 

"There was a young WREN in Gibraltar
Whose boy friend was a real "Old Salter"

And he liked her in Stockings and a Garter

 

"There was a young WREN in Gibraltar
Whose boy friend was a real "Old Salter"
And he liked her in Stockings and a Garter
He promised never to depart her

 

aint limerick gotta be aabba?