"Now this is Mortain". "I have decided with Ike to let the Americans knock the shit out of Jerry at this point".
10 points to ponder as 2020 draws to a close. 1. The most pointless thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner. 2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people. 3. The world has turned upside down. OAPs are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors. 4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog. We had a good laugh. 5. Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. 6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands? 7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are. 8. I need to practice social-distancing from the fridge. 9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting bored of the Living Room. 10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go to the bank with a mask on and ask for money.
Around the corner from me is some aged care accommodation which appears to have received some new Arab inmates. One of the wives was walking past the sports oval with her older husband lagging some 30 yards behind. As he passed me I said "its OK, no landmines here".
Travel during Covid I have been in many places in my life but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family. I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says it is on the list
Old Men May Walk Slow . . . An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile' Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast! You All Have a Nice Day! ~ * ~
Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Dan had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Darling, breakfast is in the oven. I left early to get the ingredients to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Dan asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 a .m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table £239.99 Hot Breakfast £4.20 Two Aspirins £.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?” The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.” The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.” The first guy says, “Faith and it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?” The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.” The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.” The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.” About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
Currently popular Bundeswehr joke: What did the German Luftwaffe have in common on May 8, 1945 and May 8, 2021? They had 20 operational fighter aircraft.....
Apparently it's International Kissing Day or something. Facebook Translate really went to work on this post from the French 'Musée de l'Armée.
