How can we not have a jokes thread?

Discussion in 'The Barracks' started by Za Rodinu, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Isn't part of the advice that if you are suddenly confronted by a bear in the woods that you should throw sh*t in its face to distract it?
    People ask "Where will I find sh*t to throw at it?"
    And I say "When you are confronted by a bear, there won't be a problem finding sh*t"
  2. Vintage Wargaming

    Vintage Wargaming Well-Known Member

    Scottish Army Rations Pack

    Tricky Dicky and CL1 like this.
  3. Brian Smith

    Brian Smith Junior Member

    Not sure this is from the World Health Organisation but given escalation on all fronts due to the virus some useful information here on how different countries are coping.

    The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

    The Russians have said “Its not us”
    TTH, DianeE, timuk and 3 others like this.
  4. Tricky Dicky

    Tricky Dicky Don'tre member

    Thats not fair - I love Tunnocks products - now I cant find them on the shelves, are they being held at the border ? :mad:

  5. A-58

    A-58 Not so senior Member Patron

    Chris C and Dave55 like this.
  6. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Looks like covid19 has reached Germany, after towels were spotted on hospital beds.

    Now I am self-isolating, I've had to start talking to my wife. Apparently, she's been made redundant from Woolworth's.

    In light of recent panic buying supermarkets have introduced purchase limits:
    Tesco: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls
    Sainsbury's: 1 hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls, 2kg rice
    Morrisons: 12 rolls toilet paper. 1kg rice
    Aldi: 2 trumpets, 1 diving suit, 1 Mig welder

    With everyone locked down in their own homes and bored out of their minds with TV and U Tube, there will be a baby boom. The resultant children will be known as "coronials".
    gash hand and Tricky Dicky like this.
  7. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  8. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Think this thread needs to be kept at the top of the New Posts, laughter is the best medicine....
    gash hand, 8RB, canuck and 2 others like this.
  9. Brian Smith

    Brian Smith Junior Member

  10. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Another one to raise your spirits?

    gash hand and Chris C like this.
  11. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

  12. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    In Germany they're panic-buying sausages and cheese, which makes it a Wurst Käse scenario.
    Some seriously Sauerkrauts out shopping today.
    A truck driver was caught smuggling Europeans INTO Syria….
    In Italy of course it's pasta joke! I pizza'd myself at that!
    ltdan likes this.
  13. ltdan

    ltdan Nietenzähler

    Kevin, your statement needs some correction: In Germany we´re panic-buying toilet paper, canned goods, fuel and Gold.
    "We" have very much experience in total shutdowns of any civil order twice in history. And "we" really FEAR any form of disorder like that ;-)
    But the "Wurst Käse scenario" is a quite brillant expression - think I´ll steal it from you :D
  14. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    naturlich :)
    gash hand, canuck and ltdan like this.
  15. Robert-w

    Robert-w Banned

    Thrice surely? 30 Years war? Mother Courage etc etc. I've read Johann Grimmelshausen's
    Simplicissimus (as well as C V Wedgewood) ! Boy when 'you' create a disaster 'you' don't do it by halves.
  16. ltdan

    ltdan Nietenzähler

    I dare to point out „Germany“ as a national entity wasn´t existing during the 30 Years war...
    Furthermore I could rise the numbers by mentioning several more incidents, BUT: this is by nature a jokes thread, not one about German history, hence please apologize any inaccuracies by me
    kind regards
  17. Robert-w

    Robert-w Banned

    Well not as a political entity but there were plenty who lived in the region who regarded themselves as German whether they lived in mighty Saxony or Prussia or some one horsed bishopric or other micro state. ;)
  18. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Say what you like about him, but you have to admit this.... upload_2020-3-25_15-2-29.png
  19. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Clocks go forward tonight in the UK, so spare a thought for these workmen having to move the Avebury Rings forward one hour
    .... then off to Stonehenge... :)

    KevinC and DavidW like this.
  20. KevinBattle

    KevinBattle Senior Member

    Todays attempt at humour...

    Attached Files:

    ltdan, Dave55 and Chris C like this.

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