How can we not have a jokes thread?

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'No!' and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

Pure fiction, I should think.

 

Now this is what I call fun.

cheers,
phil

YouTube - Macho Trap Shooting

 

Wow... It's like a nightmare... Surely that's what happens in your dreams, aye Za...

 

Tell you the truth, I'm divorced so I can mark up a 'yes' in all items of the checklist above, hehehehe... :curtsey:

 

Picked this up from Daily Mail about 6years ago:

At a recent computer expo Bill Gates, comparing the computer industry to the auto industry, said:

'If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


General Motors issued this response:

'If we had developed technology akin to Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics.
'For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
'Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
'Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
'The oil, water‑temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation!' warning light.
'The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?" before deploying.
'Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
'Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
'You'd have to press the Start button to turn the engine off.'


'Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive ‑ but would run on only 5 per cent of the roads.

Things haven't changed a great deal, have they!

 

Words of Wisdom

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
(Think about it some more.)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

This, in my mailbox this morning and originating from Sweden is alleged to be a true story.

I'm afraid I have very strong doubts as to its veracity but I think its too good a tale not to pass on.
　
A Real Incident!

A group of excellent chemistry students - from a university in the USA were completing their degree studies and wanted to let off steam because of the tension they had accumulated during their studiesThey therefore decided to travel to a seaside resort far from their university town.

They travelled there on Thursday and planned to return on the next Monday and go directly to their final exam.

However, they enjoyed themselves so much that they found it difficult to return on time, they returned exhausted and unready, one hour late for the exam. They told the lecturer that they had had a punctured tyre and thus had been delayed and begged for an opportunity to take the exam at a later date.
The lecturer agreed but with one condition - that each of the group would be examined in separate rooms.

The students agreed to the suggestion and on the day of the exam each of them sat in separate rooms to solve the exam.

The first question was graded as 5 points out of 100 - it was very easy and the students solved it in a second.

The second question graded as 95 points out of 100 was: 'Which tyre was punctured?'
1

 

Kids can say funny but occasionally apropos things:

Ten year old boy’s observation on science:

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."
　
Same little boy on genetics:

"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should."

A little girl on weather:

"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman
from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he
saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on
the table.

The third man married a girl from England a place called Newcastle. He
ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third
day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich
and load the dishwasher.

 

Subject: : 5 minute management course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily. And went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forthnight, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit , it's best not to make a song of it!

Thus ends the Five Minute Management Course.

 

Two blokes in the pub and one say's to the other I have to go, I want to get home to see a film thats on in a bit.

'Whats it called'

'Mody Dick'

'I hate Westerns'

'What you on about? Its not a Western, its about Whales'

' I hate those Welsh tossers too'

 

Doctor Doctor I feel like a Strawberry.

I'll give you some Cream for that

 

Two blokes in the pub and one say's to the other I have to go, I want to get home to see a film thats on in a bit.

'Whats it called'

'Mody Dick'

'I hate Westerns'

'What you on about? Its not a Western, its about Whales'

' I hate those Welsh tossers too'
STEADY!

 

Doctor Doctor I feel like a Strawberry.

I'll give you some Cream for that

Reminds me of a wartime Guinness ad I saw in my brother's Illustrated London News.

-"I feel like a Guinness"

-"I wish you were!"

 

Might be the wrong thread, as this is serious stuff ... a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

This holiday I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to buy decorations or garden plants as gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they politely decline and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

On the way, they start undressing in the car. Then one of them starts crawling all over you ... while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also December 1st & 4th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

 

Brilliant, Za. My 20 something son just wet himself laughing. Twice on the 15th set him off.....

 

MC ditto my son and myself

a classic
i have tears down my face