How can we not have a jokes thread?

She said to me " I want to get fit again, what should I do ?"
I said " run 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the afternoon and by this time next week you should be 42 miles away".

Anyway, the surgeon said " once we have removed the golf club i should be able to walk again in 6 months time".

Graham.

 

Saw this one live this morning. Socialist vs billionaire investor

Hot Mic Catches Sam Zell on CNBC Reacting to Dem Congressman on Failed Amazon Deal: ‘What a Crock of Shit!’

 

"Here in the most beautiful fountain in Trafalgar Square you have the audacity, and the audicity to wash an overcoat, thus fouling the water. You might have waited until I finished my bath!" - the Goon Show

 

And Donald Trump is still fighting Democrat led investigations into his supposed Russian links.

 

I was sent this today.
Graham.

 

Flatulence (n): the vehicle that is sent to rescue you after you have been flattened by a road roller.
Soupçon (n): male heir to the Heinz family
Flabergasted (adj.): appalled at how much weight you have gained.
Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline
Disconsolate: (n): the excuse you use when arriving late at work after the night club you were at continued until after 9a.m.
Dynasty (n): a horrible way to go

 

My wife has been missing for a whole week now. Last night the police advised me to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome, so this morning I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back!

 

Saw this recently on twitter

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.

 

Not a joke, but certainly humour. At the height of the cold war, the British used a Ferret scout car, frogmen and eight high explosive charges to take out... one small fish.

BBC Archive on Twitter

Many will recognise the name of the officer in charge of this important operation.