How can we not have a jokes thread?

An American tribute to the Irish in this forum!

YouTube - Danny Boy
An all-time favourite clip of mine. Beaker's verse is priceless!!

 

Three priests were in a railway carriage on their way to an ecumenical conference.

Inevitably the talk got around to the thorny subject of “When does life actually begin?”

The Catholic priest started by saying “In my humble opinion, life begins when the child is first conceived, there can be no other answer”

The Protestant priest said “ If you really want the truth, life begins when the midwife smacks the child on the bottom, it takes its first breath, and starts to cry, that’s when life begins ”

The Rabbi said “With respect, Gentlemen, you’ve both got it wrong”

“Life begins, when your daughter leaves home and the dog dies!”

 

Seen at Military News Humor Photos - StrategyPage today:

Graduating from West Point in 1936, Creighton Abrams was assigned to the 7th Cavalry, an element of the 1st Cavalry Division. He soon found himself serving as regimental communications officer, commanding several enlisted men and in charge of two radios which, since the regiment was still mounted, were transported on pack mules.

Now arguably, this was a pretty good assignment for a young officer. But as it turned out, the commander of the regiment had an aversion to radios. Perhaps fearing – as some officers did at the time – that radio communications were too uncertain, and could fail in moments of crisis, or perhaps disliking radios because – as many other officers felt – they interfered with his freedom of command, the colonel preferred to use mounted messengers. So he ordered Abrams to keep out of his way.

One day, during maneuvers, the regiment was heavily engaged. As a result, the colonel sent off messenger after messenger to brigade and division, in order to keep them posted as to his movements.

Meanwhile, as the day wore on Abrams and his team languished idly, trying to keep out of the colonel’s way yet still somewhat close to regimental headquarters.

Then, quite suddenly, the colonel sent for Abrams.

When Abrams arrived, the colonel asked, “Can you send a message?”

Abrams snapped out a prompt, “Yes, sir.”

“Good,” said the colonel, “Tell headquarters to please send back my messengers, so that I can maintain communications.”

 

1937. On the occasion of the 100th commemoration of Pushkin's death, a contest for a Pushkin's statue was held. Three prizes were awarded.

The third prize featured Stalin reading a Pushkin's poem.

- Historically correct - Stalin said, but politically incorrect. I should have read a party document, not a poem.

The second prize went to a statue of Pushkin reading a book of Stalin.

- Politically correct - Stalin commented, but historically incorrect. My books were not available at Pushkin's time.

Finally, the first prize was awarded to a statue of Stalin reading a book by Stalin.

 

The Moscow's principal rabbi had died and another needs to be appointed. A list of candidates was presented to Khrushchev for approval. Having read the list, Khrushchev yelled:

- What's this? Are you all out of your mind? All Jews?!

 

One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

 

Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

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'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the bl00dy tent.'

 

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie - Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really turn you over.

Aston Villa - Dido - One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really.

Birmingham City - Maria Carey - Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick.

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes - Common as muck, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia - Always looks like she might go down but never does!

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon -Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises!

Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher - Hated by millions, supported by idiots!

Everton - Barbara Windsor - Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good!

Fulham - Andrea Corr - Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame.

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer - Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her.

Leeds United - Christina Aguilera - Dirrrty.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor - Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.

Man City - Madonna - Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though.

Man United - Jordan - Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really.

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson - Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Newcastle United - Pamela Anderson - Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde - On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next.

Southampton - Kylie Minogue - Sometimes you feel sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham Hotspur - Kim Wilde - Glamerous in the 80's not so nice to watch now.

Wolverhampton Wanderers - Lynda Lovelace - Big in the 70's guaranteed to go down.

 

Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex man and an Essex girl?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?
A. What team do you guys play for?

Q. What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl?
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that fucked him!

Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus Shelters.

Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
A. She shuts the Sierra’s door.

Q. Why does an Essex girl wear knickers?
A. To keep her ankles warm.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

Q. Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when fucked.

Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A. She drops her bag of chips.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.

Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"

Q. What does an Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

Q. What's the difference between Essex girls and carpenters?
A: One has a box full of saws and the other is a carpenter

Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an aeroplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.

Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls ?
A. Both go down in Tenerife.

Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say?
A. NEXT!

Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.

Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.

Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg!

Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted!

Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever!

Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle?
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.

Q. Why do Essex girls work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"

Q. How do Essex girl brain cells die?
A. Alone.

Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A. Tits Go In Front.

Q. What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.

Q. What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."

Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A. A toilet won't follow you around when you've dumped in it.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head?
A. All you can eat, under a quid.

Q. How do you get an Essex girl to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.

Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.

Q. How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.

Q. How do you confuse an Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Q. Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. Why do Essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A. Who cares?

Q. How are a bowling ball and an Essex girl alike?
A1: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they'll always come back.
A2: They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A3: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine?
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs?
A. "Nice tits!"

Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.

Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl wife and your job?
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?
A. The Essex girl!

Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl?
A. Bucket seats.

Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.

Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around and come home?
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.

Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel?
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.

Q. Why did God create Essex girls?
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge .

Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow?
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl in a white shell suit?
A. The bride

Q. How do ageing Essex girls keep their youth
A. Locked in the wardrobe.

 

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question?"

Dad: "Sure son, what's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Dad: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so lets call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of your needs, so lets call you THE PEOPLE. We'll call the maid THE WORKING CLASS and your baby brother we'll call THE FUTURE, do you understand?"

Son: "I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parents room, and found his mother sound asleep snoring loudly. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so he returned to his room and went back to sleep.

Next day:

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."

Dad: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

Son: "Well, dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing THE WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. THE PEOPLE are being completely ignored and THE FUTURE is full of crap."

 

One of the myths surrounding Op. Barbarossa was that Hitler did not take into account Napoleon's lessons. Quite the opposite, Adolf did consult Napoleon himself.

 

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

OMG... xD

 

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

Especially for you, Za:

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing people with knives was too easy.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can stick a CD up his ass and burn data onto it.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Due to Newton's 3rd law of motion, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is the only person to count to infinity... twice.
Chuck Norris can hear Silence
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
The world's fastest car has gears. 5, 6 , and Chuck Norris.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
Cars don't hit Chuck Norris they get hit by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by roundhouse kicking them in the face.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

 

God said "Let there be Light!" Chuck Norris replied "Say please!"

 

Lol. You guys are crazy!

After loosing a bet, I have to put Kiwi Jokes on here... 5 of them...

1) A successful farmer from the South Island High Country died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a shepherd. Two guys, both Australians, applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them
worked, and the farm was doing very well.
Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the shepherd, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm and the stock look great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels.' The shepherd readily agreed and went into town the very next Saturday night.
One o 'clock in the morning came, and he hadn't returned.
Two o'clock and no shepherd. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

2) (yes, i sort-of understand NZ Politics)

3) IT WAS THE SUNNIEST DAY IN WAIMANG... and this sheep farmer guy was mowing his lawns and then this ambulance flew by with its sirens on and then the smoan guy start chasing the ambulance and threw his jandal at the ambulance and everything and then the ambulance finally stopped and the samoan went up to the ambluance driver, panting HARDOUT and goes "can i please have....50 cent....icecream?"

4) There was a English man, an Irish man and a Maori man and they all wanted to join the army but they had to pass a test first..
The English man went in and the guy asked, "what would happen if one of your eyes got stabbed out?" he said "i'll be half blind"
Then he goes "What would happen if both ur eyes got stabbed out?"
The Englishman said "Ill be full blind"
He passes
So the Irish man came in and the guy asked the same questions and the Irishman said the same answers so he passed too
The Maori man was listening at the door for the answers so the guy thought he'll change the questions
He goes to the Maori man "What would you do if one of your ears got cut off?"
The Maori man said "ill be half blind"
Then he goes what would you do if both your ears got cut off?" and the Maori man replies, "Ill be full blind" and the man asks "whys that?"
And the maori man says "cause I'll have no ears to hang my glasses on!"

5) The northern most town in New Zealand, Kaitia, is also translated as "Meals on Wheels" Why is this so?
Kai = Food
Tia That thing that makes the car go broom broom

 

that was rather lame, but now Sophie owes me $5, heheehe