Colin Gregg, heir to the Greggs baker's chain, has been sentenced to over 13 years in prison for child sex offences. You've got to admire the judge for giving him a baker's dozen.
When asked to, I could not point out Europe, Asia and Africa on a map of the world. In other words, I seem to be incontinent.
Medicare Plan G Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G". The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in the Villages on a golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?” "I'm okay. Thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it.” "Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now.” "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?” I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
My wife left me because of my obsession with football... Couldn't believe it, we were together 6 seasons...
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you, by any chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ? "The Vet replied with a wistful look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales "
The old jokes are the best, when I was at school that joke was always about Italian tanks - same as shortest books in the world - 'Italian book of war heroes' plus others that would all be considered politically incorrect these days. TD
And on that theme... Who put the last seven bullets in Mussolini? - 250 Italian sharpshooters. Why do Italian Army uniforms have long sleeves? - So they can still look stylish when they're surrendering. With apologies, Simon.
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . ." At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
