How can we not have a jokes thread?

So it had a phonetic encription. For the record my spoken English sounds like a mixture of Donald Duck with James Cagney, as interpreted by a drunken Bulgarian priest with a sore posterior.

 

That's mean that you speak better then me

 

So it had a phonetic encription. For the record my spoken English sounds like a mixture of Donald Duck with James Cagney, as interpreted by a drunken Bulgarian priest with a sore posterior.

You really need to email me an MP3 or a WAV of how you abuse the spoken language of the descendants of the Anglo-Saxons.

 

One more way to be annoying...

KEEP touching someone's head while they are searching the forum, and dont stop, even if they slap you silly.

Spiderwalk... :p

no thanks to Wei Nee...

 

Jeff

That was funny.

It must sound something like Inuit Throat Singing.

YouTube - Tuvan Throat Singing

cheers,

phil


You really need to email me an MP3 or a WAV of how you abuse the spoken language of the descendants of the Anglo-Saxons.

 

What Inuit, Tuva is a republic inside the CIS Music of Tuva - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ; Tuva - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My style is better expressed as:

YouTube - James Cagney / Mickey & Judy - Yankee doodle boy and YouTube - Daffy duck-Yankee Doodle Daffy (English) , with overtones of YouTube - My Fair Lady With A Little Bit Of Luck and YouTube - Get me to the church on time

(don't mind the lyrics of the last one, though )

 

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin policestation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleaguesin Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (Ithink you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking afootball against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entirebuilding.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring systemworks, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through severalbags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like abeaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limitedattention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between thetwo bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then Iwould happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with themand I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthlessassurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, whynot leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) whenthere are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car beforedoing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemenactually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of thesethrowbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problemscaused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend anoffer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to myoriginal e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station,and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community BeatOfficer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seenyou. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated thegang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the onewith a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place inBodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using wordsof no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both withinspitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free tocontact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

 

An American warship is tied up next to an English warship. An American sailor leans over and yells to a British sailor "How's the world's second largest Navy doing?" The Brit replies: "Just fine, mate. How's the world's second best doing?"


A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."


Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, Sir."


The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.
First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”

 

Talking of chickens, a LOndon schoolboy was evacuated to a chicken farm in WW2.
The first morning he sat to breakfast with the family, which included the farmer's young son and daughter. They each had a boiled egg for breakfast, which they ate with great appreciation.
The farmer's son said "I bet you don't know where that egg came from". "Of course I do," replied the evacuee, "you bought it from the grocers shop".
"Never!" came the retort, "we got it from our chicken run. And if you don't believe me, I'll show you". He and his sister then took him and showed him the eggs that were still warm in the chicken house, and explained about chickens, cockerels, etc and how the eggs were laid. And they had eggs for breakfast each morning.
One day, for a joke, the daughter took two eggs, pierced a small hole in each end of both and blew out the contents, leaving just the empty shells.
Early next morning she replaced the evacuee's egg with an empty shell.
When the Londoner sat down to breakfast he cracked the egg and was surprised to find it empty, but said nothing. Next morning, the scene was repeated, with the same consequence, but this time the evacuee stalked out and didn't return.
There was suddenly a loud squawking and cackling of chickens. They all ran out to see the cause.
They found the Londoner was brandishing a stick, with all of the cockerels in a line, yelling, "OK then, which of you wise guys is using a condom"

 

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We havedigitalwatches!"

*******************************************************************


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*********************************************************************


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control

:"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

*************************************************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

**********************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**********************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*******************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"

************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

*******************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

***************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

A True Australian Tale

A Koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"
The Koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the Koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the Koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the Koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
The Koala looked down at him and said,

(Wait ....)

"Shiii-iit, Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

 

Unfit for some sensitive eyes. Possible offensive content. If you persist in reading, then please don't provide negative rep because you were offended, as you have been warned not to look any further.

As if I cared :loldevil:

--------------------

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

 

Australia:
A guy is being judged for shooting a Kangaroo.
The Honorable Judge asks: "Did you shoot that K. on purpose?"
The guy replies: "yes, I did."
J: "Were you aware at that time that this act is being punished by the laws of Australia?"
G: "Yes"
J: "Than why did you shoot it?"
G: "I wanted to taste it. It tastes a bit like Koala, but it has something similar with Wombat, too..."

 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say..

 

Zarcasm in action.

YouTube - UAV Cam: Iranian Experts Stun the Navy World Again!

The poster's comment goes:
This footage from a UAV, caught by chance the testing of the latest Iranian Navy Destroyer. Named 'Al Fathum Al Salin' translates to 'By the mercy of god we float', this ship boasts some of the most advanced features in suicide technology. The video shows the anti-submarine weapon being fired above a simulated submarine target. Iranian Navy officials said the test was a 'complete success', but that 'tomorrows test of the anti-ship weapon would have to be delayed until a new ship and crew could be assembled'. A spokesman for the US Navy said 'Iran might face problems during the live fire exercises it has planned for late October', he added ' we will be watching closely and have our cameras with us too.'

 

Sorry Za but this isn't Iranian Destroyer. It's hard to say what class it is and it was hit by torpedo. Possibly torpedo exercise.

 

How do you make the programs on your computer run faster? Install the French edition!

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

Any fans of MC Hammer? He so isn't original, this guy had it down long before he did!

 

From Darwin Awards


31 MARCH 2000, NEW MEXICO

Edward had some trouble when he attempted to steal a utility
trailer from the Home Depot store in Albuquerque. He
drove in and hitched a trailer onto his Toyota pickup, then
drove off quickly—only to crash on Griegos Road. He then
returned to the home improvement store and hitched up a
second trailer and drove off—only to have it come loose
and crash seventy-five yards away from the first stolen
trailer.
Deputy Sheriff Scott Baird noticed the two trailers on
the side of the road, and stopped to investigate. Just then,
Detective Bill Webb said, Edward “drives by with the third
stolen trailer, and the fender of the trailer clips the deputy’s
patrol car.” A twenty-five-mile-an-hour chase ensued; the
leisurely pace was set by Edward, who “probably knows that
trailers at high speeds don’t stay on very well,” Webb
commented.
The would-be thief was finally pulled to a stop, arrested
by Albuquerque police officers, and charged with three
counts of motor vehicle theft.
Three cheers for Edward! If all criminals had a modus
operandi as feeble as his, the species would die out from an
excess of convictions.

 

Double post

 

Hey sol! That cannot be a Darwin Award story! The guy isn't dead...