How can we not have a jokes thread?

Dailymotion - dinner for one, vostfr, très drôle !! - une vidéo Comédie et Humour

 

Life is funnier than fiction.

Farrakhan sees 'conspiracy' in Jackson's death :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Metro & Tri-State

Minister Louis Farrakhan said Sunday he was asked by a lawyer to counsel Michael Jackson seven days before the entertainer's death. But Farrakhan took a scheduled trip to Africa and wasn't able to speak to him.

Addressing 2,000 followers at Mosque Maryam, the Nation of Islam headquarters on the South Side, Farrakhan described Jackson as a "messianic voice" and an "archangel of sound, song and dance," as he called Jackson a victim of "Zionist leaders," the U.S. government and the media.

 

What the hell...?

 

A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

 

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.


"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.


"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."


The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

The Transilvanian and his son goes to the woods, to cut some trees.
They are on the job for half a day, when suddenly the son chops down the leg of his father.
The father asks: "Is this some kind of joke?"
The son answers: "no, father, this is serious."
F: "Oh, well then. It would have been rude for a joke."

 

The Transilvanian and his son goes to the woods, to cut some trees.
They are on the job for half a day, when suddenly the son chops down the leg of his father.
The father says: "Son, you do this one more time, and I kick you in the ass!"

 

Gorilla at an Alabama zoo

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. o make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Billy Bob Burnett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the turtle cages. Billy Bob, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First”, Billy Bob said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth”, Billy Bob said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Billy Bob said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

 

Gorilla at an Alabama zoo

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. o make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Billy Bob Burnett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the turtle cages. Billy Bob, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First”, Billy Bob said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth”, Billy Bob said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Billy Bob said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
That ain't right....

 

That ain't right....

That's right, it happened in Louisiana.

 

Picture if you will a hill with a trail going up one side and another going down the other. At the apex of the hill is a house of ill repute. Three men are on the hill, one running up the hill, one running down the hill and one actively engaged in the activities offered in the aforementioned house. Now, the question for you is, what are the nationalities of the men?
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The one running up the hill is Russian
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The one running down the hill is Finnish
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And the one in the house is Himalayan.

 

Alright, I'll take the plunge. And the joke is...?

 

Jeff,

I thought it was funny.

I think that you have to say it in a Southern dialect!

Regards
Tom

 

This is ... a conversation that is said to have taken place between a
US State Department official and the Hungarian chargé d’affaires on the
occasion of Hungary’s declaration of war on the US, as recorded by Galeazzo
Ciano, the Italian Foreign Minister:

‘Is Hungary a republic?’
‘No, it is a kingdom.’
‘Then you have a king?’
‘No, we have an admiral.’
‘Then you have a fleet?’
‘No, we do not have any sea.’
‘Do you have any claims, then?’
‘Yes.’
‘Against America?’
‘No.’
‘Against England?’
‘No.’
‘Against Russia?’
‘No.’
‘But against whom do you have these claims?’
‘Against Romania.’
‘Then will you declare war on Romania?’
‘No, sir. We’re allies.’

 

Alright, I'll take the plunge. And the joke is...?

Jeff,

I thought it was funny.

I think that you have to say it in a Southern dialect!

Regards
Tom

While he may write well in English, don't ask him to speak it.

Try it this way, Za

Russian = rushing
Finnish = finished
Himalayan = "Him a laying" with laying be a play on the slang past tense term for coitus - laid.

 

This is ... a conversation that is said to have taken place between a
US State Department official and the Hungarian chargé d’affaires on the
occasion of Hungary’s declaration of war on the US, as recorded by Galeazzo
Ciano, the Italian Foreign Minister:

‘Is Hungary a republic?’
‘No, it is a kingdom.’
‘Then you have a king?’
‘No, we have an admiral.’
‘Then you have a fleet?’
‘No, we do not have any sea.’
‘Do you have any claims, then?’
‘Yes.’
‘Against America?’
‘No.’
‘Against England?’
‘No.’
‘Against Russia?’
‘No.’
‘But against whom do you have these claims?’
‘Against Romania.’
‘Then will you declare war on Romania?’
‘No, sir. We’re allies.’

You know what? this is not a joke.. This is serious... :cry:
and for a Hungarian like myself this is saaaaad...