How can we not have a jokes thread?

Discussion in 'The Barracks' started by Za Rodinu, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
    dbf likes this.
  2. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    A burglar is working his way through the living room when he hears ' Jesus is watching you'.

    He swings the flashlight around the room but sees nobody.

    Again he hears 'Jesus is watching you'

    This time he locates the source - a parrot sitting high on a perch.

    'Whats you name?' he says.

    'Moses', replies the parrot

    'What sort of person would call their parrot Moses' he says

    'The same type of person who calls their rotweiller Jesus' replies the parrot
  3. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    This is a classic I've known for a few years, and I'm sure you have as well, but it shouldn't be left forgotten :)


    This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee
    there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not
    have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately
    (for once).

    The 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too.

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
    protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
    warranty registration card below.

    Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will
    help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

    1. Title/Name/Location
    [_] Mr.
    [_] Mrs.
    [_] Ms.
    [_] Miss
    [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen.
    [_] Comrade
    [_] Classified
    [_] Other

    First Name: .......................................

    Initial: .......

    Last Name:.........................................

    Password: .......................... (max. 8 char)

    Code Name:........................................

    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .....................

    2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified

    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./......

    4. Serial Number:.................................

    5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalogue / showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified

    6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
    have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one

    7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

    8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Europe
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Africa
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq

    9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
    in the near future:
    [_] Colour TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon

    10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal

    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler's check

    12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defence Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student

    13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
    interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / misinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
    will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
    better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
    special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
    mysterious consortia.

    As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
    brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

    Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department,
    Military Aerospace Division
    dbf likes this.
  4. Gage

    Gage The Battle of Barking Creek

  5. militarycross

    militarycross Very Senior Member

    This was my favourite from that thread.

    A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick British accent)

    "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokker appeared.
    “I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
    At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German aircraft company"
    "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.
  6. Stig O'Tracy

    Stig O'Tracy Senior Member

    European definition of Heaven and Hell.

    Heaven is a place where;

    The cooks are French,
    The police are English
    The auto mechanics are German
    The lovers are Italian
    and it's run by the Swiss.

    Hell is a place where;

    The cooks are English,
    The police are German,
    The auto mechanics are French,
    The lovers are Swiss and
    it's run by the Italians.
  7. Tom Canning

    Tom Canning WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran

    Then there is the one about the Korean war when the Post office needed extra help to deal with the upsurge in mail..... a young woman was told to work alongside an old hand in the sorting area ...didn't last long as she stomped off and complained to the supervisor that the old hand's language was too much for her.

    Intriqued the supervisor decided to listen in - sure enough - what the old hand was saying was ambiguous in the extreme - with a handful of mail he was throwing the letters very expertly in their respective baskets "one for Koreae - another for Korea - another for Korea - then he speeded it up.......l
  8. Passchendaele_Baby

    Passchendaele_Baby Grandads Little Girl

  9. Tom Canning

    Tom Canning WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran

    Pass baby -
    what would a Kiwi say ' "sped' - said it more" fast" - "quickly" -in a "hurry" -
    "quicker" - with more emphasis on the second sylable - within the context of faster speech

    it was supposed to be a joke not an English lesson - but then if you didn't get it - I can make the others even more simple !

  10. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    Hey Za we did have a joke thread a long time ago but it got closed by the old admin.

    I know. Saner ways have prevailed since. Maybe :)

    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.

    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gadgets for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

    Again, the man is impressed.

    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
  11. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    Religions of the World

    TAOISM – Shit happens.
    HARE KRISNA – Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.
    HINDUISM – This Shit happened before.
    ISLAM – If Shit Happens, take a hostage.
    ZEN – What is the sound of Shit Happening?
    BUDDHISM – When Shit Happens, is it really Shit?
    CONFUCIANISM – Confucius Say, “Shit Happens”
    7TH DAY ADVENTIST – Shit Happens on Saturdays
    PROTESTANTISM – Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
    CATHOLCISM – If Shit Happens I deserve it.
    JEHOVAH’S WITNESS – Knock, knock, “Shit Happens”
    UNITARIAN – What is this Shit?
    MORMAN – Shit Happens again & again & again…
    JUDAISM – Why does this Shit always happen to me?
    RASTAFARIANISM – Let’s smoke this Shit!

    Moral – It’s all a bunch of Shit!
  12. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    How many forum members to change a lightbulb???

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
    13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
    1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

  13. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    Hmm, this was found posted by a Czech!


    From the Slovakian National Uprising diary...

    "At first we were two, me and my brother. Then we found Panzerfaust and we were three: Me, my brother and Panzerfaust. Then a truck full of Germans appeared on the road and we were four: Me, my brother, Panzerfaust and a truck full of Germans.
    My brother fired the Panzerfaust. And when the dust settled, there were just two of us.
    Me and a truck full of Germans."

    "Monday: Pushed Germans from the forest.
    Tuesday: Germans pushed us from the forest.
    Wednesday: Pushed Germans from the forest.
    Thurday: Germans pushed us from the forest.
    Friday: Pushed Germans from the forest.
    Saturday: Germans pushed us from the forest.
    Sunday: The keeper got angry and kicked both of us from the forest."
  14. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    I almost went mad looking for this! But I did find it :D



    Your hunting dog obeys the commands "halt", "traverse left/right", "forward", "identified".

    You recycle because you feel sorry for those poor bastards down at Bragg.

    You can sleep through a raging thunderstorm, but wake up when your wristwatch alarm goes off.

    When playing football, you never throw a pass without checking wind, baro and the football's temperature.

    You let your kids pee off the porch, but ground them when their rooms aren't IAW the standard loadplan.

    You're always accusing the wife of turning down the volume down on the TV and telephone.

    You believe that during the Gulf War, everyone was there to support YOU.

    You laugh at redneck jokes...after they're explained to you.

    You shy away from helping your kids with their math because you don't have all your fingers.

    The only ashtrays you have at home are all 120mm aft caps.

    You giggle uncontrollably when the guys talk about the thrill of firing big bore guns like the .308.

    You spend your days off in exotic locales like the Patton Museum.

    You say "On the way!" as you pass gas.

    You name your kids Abrams, Sheridan, Patton, Walker, etc....

    Your kid's nicknames are Sabot, HEAT, HEP, Coax, etc....

    You consider four the perfect size for a family.

    You don't realize that's it's illegal to stick your head out of the sun roof while driving.

    You and your wife have a his and hers set of coveralls.

    You look down to read your weight and can't.

    You have the high score on Tank Battle at every arcade within a ten-mile radius.

    You remove your headgar and place your hand over your heart before utttering the words "General Patton".

    by "Old Kentucky Home" you mean Fort Knox.

    The only scouts you're aware of are Boy and Girl Scouts.

    Up is no longer a direction for you.

    You believe a hammer can fix anything.

    You run up your Sears charge card on 1 1/8" to 4" wrenches.

    You find "Tank" starring James Garner, to be a far better movie than "Top Gun" starring some priss.

    You stop by every gas station you pass in order to top-off.

    You invite all your friends over for a barbecue and all three show up.

    You can never buy a big enough car to drive around in.

    Your wife greets you at the door after work with a hose and bottle of degreaser.

    You drive everywhere, including two houses down.
  15. David Layne

    David Layne Well-Known Member

    Jokes on getting old.

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
    'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would> recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said,
    'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
    He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
    However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
    During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
    'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, please write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
    She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty.'

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

    One more. ! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
    After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
  16. Ron Goldstein

    Ron Goldstein WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran

    Stop me if you've heard it before .................................

    A policeman, walking in the local park, sees an elderly gentleman slumped on a bench with his head in his hands.

    Not wishing to intrude, he carrys on with his beat but returns the same way to check up on the man.

    On his return he sees that the man is now openly sobbing so he decides he must get involved.

    The old chap is ready to talk.

    "My problems started ten years ago when I lost my dear wife who had been with me for fifty years.
    I thought my world had come to an end until I met my present wife who is the apple of my eye.
    She is the world's greatest cook.........
    She looks fantastic for her age...........
    She is a wonderful housekeeper and has taken charge of all our financial affairs.
    She caters for my every whim including even matters that I can't even discuss with a stranger.
    She is the best thing that ever happened to me in all of my life"

    "Fine", said the copper, "but why the tears ?"

    "I can't remember where I live !" says the old man
  17. Tom Canning

    Tom Canning WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran

    Senior citizen buys a souped up corvette and decides to try it out on the highway - 100 - 110 - 120 - 130 - then he notices the familiar red and whites wagging in the distance - so he thinks - I can show those guys in their Fords - 140 - 150 - 160 - he thinks again - I'm a senior citizen - not a punk teen - and pulls over...

    The RCMP finally catches up - strolls over to the senior and says -
    " I'm finishing my shift in half an hour - got the week end off - and damned if I'll spend it writing you up for speeding soooo - if you can give me an original tale - you can go :...

    Senior thinks for a minute then says - " yeah - a couple of years ago my wife ran off with one of your guys - and I thought you were bringing her back ....."
  18. Passchendaele_Baby

    Passchendaele_Baby Grandads Little Girl

    Pass baby -
    what would a Kiwi say ' "sped' - said it more" fast" - "quickly" -in a "hurry" -
    "quicker" - with more emphasis on the second sylable - within the context of faster speech

    it was supposed to be a joke not an English lesson - but then if you didn't get it - I can make the others even more simple !

    No, I got It...
    [i aplogize for my english, I've just finished school... gie me a break!]
  19. Tom Canning

    Tom Canning WW2 Veteran WW2 Veteran

    Pass baby -
    no need to apolgise - we've all been there .....try this one

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  20. Passchendaele_Baby

    Passchendaele_Baby Grandads Little Girl

    Pass baby -
    no need to apolgise - we've all been there .....try this one

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    Ha! :D
    i get it...
    surprise, surprise...

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