Forum Line Book

Discussion in 'The Barracks' started by morse1001, Feb 16, 2006.

  1. spidge

    spidge RAAF RESEARCHER

    A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.
    The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
    As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."
     
  2. spidge

    spidge RAAF RESEARCHER

    Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

    A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
     
  3. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

  4. Kitty

    Kitty Very Senior Member

    Two lads from Liverpool decide they're going to follow the route of the Tour-De-France. so they set out from Merseyside on their bikes. They've only got as far as the M6 when they start to feel a bit tired so they sit down in a lay-by for a rest.

    "Arr eh Terry! Dis is a bit 'ard, like!" Says Barry
    "Arr eh! Sure is, Barry!" Says Terry.

    Just then big lorry pulls up and the driver gets out and asks the lads what they're doing.

    "Arr eh! We're cycling to France, like but it's a bit nackerin', like!" says Barry.

    "Tell you what" says the lorry driver "Why don't I give you a lift to Dover? You can get in the back of the lorry of you don't mind riding with what I'm carrying."

    "Aah sound mate!" says Terry "Wharra yewz carryin' like?"

    "Ping Pong balls." says the driver.

    The scousers have no problem with this, so they get in the back of the lorry with their bikes and settle in among the ping pong balls. A few hours later, the lorry driver pulls up at the Customs point in Dover. The Customs Officer comes up to the cabin and the lorry driver decides to have a bit of fun with him.

    "What's in the lorry mate?" says the Customs guy.

    "Scouser eggs!" says the lorry driver.

    "Scouser eggs?!?" says the Customs guy.

    "That's right." says the lorry driver, "Go take a look in the back."

    So the Customs guy goes to the back of the lorry and takes a look inside. Seconds later he goes running back to the lorry driver and waves him through.

    "You'd better get a move on" says the Customs Officer "Two of your Scouser eggs have hatched and they've already nicked two bikes!"


    (s'not my joke, i nicked it off my mate Count Libido)
     
  5. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    Wasn't sure whether to put here or under Top Gear thread but an email received with a selection from Jeremy Clarkson ....

    "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen!"

    "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

    [About Porsche Cayman S]
    "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean!"

    ..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany!"

    [On the Alfa Romeo Brera]
    "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

    [Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster]
    "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

    [On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR]
    "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
    Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
    Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

    "Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs... all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

    "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

    "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

    'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

    "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

    "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler."

    [Fed up during the caravaning trip]
    "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

    "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

    [On the Mercedes CLs55]
    "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

    "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

    [On cyclists]
    "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong!"

    "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N*zi!"

    "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access!"

    "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years!"

    "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy!"

    [On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy]
    "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"

    "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory!"

    "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just..."
    Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
    Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

    "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."

    "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

    [Assessing Hammond's crash]
    Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
    Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
    Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

    "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

    "I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

    "there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

    "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

    "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

    "you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

    "During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..." [pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago in bright green].

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

    Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

    A couple made me groan - after I'd laughed!!!!

    Regards
    CTNana
     
  6. Kitty

    Kitty Very Senior Member

    "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."


    [On cyclists][/SIZE][/FONT]
    "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong!"

    "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access!"

    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory!"

    "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.


    Quite possibly some of the funniest things I've heard today. And right with him on the French airforce.
     
  7. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    Hi
    Just clearing down my emails and found this one which I thought just might amuse some of you gentlemen!


    "True story".

    FLYING CHICKEN!
    >>>>
    Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
    >
    Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
    >>>>
    >>>>
    The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
    >>>>
    >>>>
    American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
    >>>>
    >>>>
    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    You're going to love this......
    >>>>
    >>>>
    Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."

    I make no claim as to its veracity!!!!
    Cheers
    CTNana
     
  8. Slipdigit

    Slipdigit Old Hickory Recon

  9. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    Hi
    Not sure that I agree with the supposed reasons for the perpetuation of the Urban Myth but here's another set of true? quotes which are quite good:-

    Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
    Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
    Customer: Yeah....
    Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
    Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
    Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

    ===============

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one...

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

    ===============
    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.


    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

    ===============
    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    ===============

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ===============
    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

    ===============

    And last but not least:....

    Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: I don't have a P
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>

    <o:p> </o:p>
    <o:p>Cheers</o:p>
    <o:p>CTNana</o:p>
     
  10. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    Hi
    Another lot salvaged before deletion!
    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    >
    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
    >
    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
    >
    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    >
    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
    >"A beer please, and one for the road."
    >
    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    >
    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
    >
    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
    >you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
    >
    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
    >
    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
    >
    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
    >
    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
    >
    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
    >
    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    >
    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"
    >
    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    >
    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But
    why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    >
    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
    >a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    >
    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him.... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    >
    20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    Cheers
    CTNana
    >
     
  11. Rich Payne

    Rich Payne Rivet Counter Patron 1940 Obsessive

    I hope that General Mayhem on the Historic Military Vehicle Forum won't mind me lifting this one.

    The Story of Uncle Bob
    The teacher gave her class an assignment. Ask their parents to tell them a tale with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day teacher asked Kathy if she had a tale to tell.
    "We bought a lot of eggs from the farmer's market, on the way home my Dad was forced to brake hard and quite a few eggs broke."
    "And the moral of your tale Kathy?"
    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
    "Well done, who else? What about you Lucy, have you got a tale to tell?
    "We were at the farmer's market too, we bought a dozen fertilized eggs to incubate, but we only got ten chicks from them."
    "And the moral of your story is what?"
    "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
    "Very good, well done indeed. Now, who else? How about you Jack?"
    "My Uncle Bob is in the Army, he was out in Basra, that's in Iraq. His helicopter was hit and he was forced to crash land in enemy territory. All he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
    He drank the whisky on the way down, so that the bottle wouldn't break, he then landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, he then killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke and then he killed the last 10 with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
    "You don't **** with my Uncle Bob when he's had a drink!"
     
  12. Kitty

    Kitty Very Senior Member

    Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
    A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

    Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
    A. Society.

    Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
    A. A bus shelter.

    Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
    A. Granny.

    Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
    A. Innit.

    Q. What do you call a chav in a locked box?
    A. Safe, innit.

    Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
    A. Sorted.

    Q. What do you call a chav in a suit
    A. The defendant.

    Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
    A. To start a fight with a com plete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

    Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
    A. The bride.

    Q. If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
    A. It might be your bike.

    Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
    A. What you looking at.

    Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
    A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
    of stairs

    Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
    A. The policeman!

    Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phone box?
    A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

    Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
    A. A start.

    Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame?
    A. Because a Nova has 4 seats.

    Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
    A. A liar.

    Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
    A. Big mac please.

    Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
    A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.














    Various Cat jokes:

    A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

    A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

    Cat Lover's Rules

    1. The cat is not allowed in the house.
    2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
    3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.
    4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.
    5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
    6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.
    7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.
    8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.
    9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.


    The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

    10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
    9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
    8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
    7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
    6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
    5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
    4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
    3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
    2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
    1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
     
  13. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    I don't know whether "The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs" apply to cats or to my wife, there are more then a few points in common and I'm not certain they are simply coincidences! :lol:
     
  14. Kitty

    Kitty Very Senior Member

    Women are cats, Men are dogs. That what you're saying?
     
  15. Slipdigit

    Slipdigit Old Hickory Recon

    I had to look up chav. We have another name we call those types, but I'll not type in the forum.
     
  16. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

    Women are cats, Men are dogs. That what you're saying?

    No, not that, but I find some weird similarities in my wife's behaviour, seriously! ;)
     
  17. Kitty

    Kitty Very Senior Member

    i find some weird similarities in my brothers behaviour. ;)
     
  18. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    HI
    These are quite good!
    THE WIT & WISDOM OF HOMER SIMPSON:

    Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

    That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

    Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

    You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

    Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

    If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

    To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems

    And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?

    Trying is the first step towards failure.

    Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

    Lisa, if life’s rich history and pageant has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling and foxy-boxing and such like.

    Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

    Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

    All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

    Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos

    Do I know what rhetorical means?

    We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?

    Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them

    Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

    You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

    CTNana
    p.s. can think of soooo many who live by these!!!
     
  19. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Hot air manufacturer

  20. CTNana

    CTNana Member Patron

    Oh that these pearls were true!!!!


    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
    true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
    Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Cider = apple juice, Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger!!!!!! You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
    "WOO HOO, What a Ride" .

    I'll second the last paragraph too.
    Eat up, enjoy & cheers
    CTNana
     

Share This Page