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Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy, a German shepherd owner, says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink."

The other says "They'll never let us in with the dogs."

The first replies "Just follow me", and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But this is my guidedog", and is allowed in.

His friend does the same. The doorman says "I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guidedog before". To which the guy responds "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"

 

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A man is having problems with his "equipment" which certainly had seen better times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, it's out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already
expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says,
"Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a
list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your
name is not on it!"

 

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire, Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

 

How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

 

You have just got to read Student Bloopers.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. Therewere no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered, because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important vention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Cristopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.

Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the eclaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,"In union there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish orillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

On a camp last year (with the ACF) we told some of the 1 company lads that the fire drill was cancelled and to go and have first shower.

At 8:30pm the alarm went off with all the 1 coy lads in the showers. T'was hilarious running around in towels an watching them shivering in the cold

 

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

 

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies


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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."

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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
forgotten."

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."

 

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

 

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by thereception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running."

 

An Australian family of rugby supporters heads out one Saturday in December 2003 to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "Since they won the World Cup, I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for Christmas".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good, son - what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie b******s."

 

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she
has to do. 'All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.' She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat.. 'Aisle, altar,
him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.'

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.<o></o>
<o></o>
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.<o></o>
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”<o></o>
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.<o></o>>
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.<o></o>
He proceeded to talk up a storm.<o></o>
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1)<!--[endif]-->Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2)<!--[endif]-->There are 10 commandments, not 12.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3)<!--[endif]-->There are 12 disciples, not 10.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4)<!--[endif]-->Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5)<!--[endif]-->Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6)<!--[endif]-->We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->7)<!--[endif]-->The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->8)<!--[endif]-->David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->9)<!--[endif]-->When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->10)<!--[endif]-->We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->11)<!--[endif]-->When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->12)<!--[endif]-->The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->13)<!--[endif]-->The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.<o></o>
<!--[if !supportLists]-->14)<!--[endif]-->[FONT=&quot]Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.<o></o>[/FONT]

 

Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
"What did eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The teacher fainted.

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Boloney again. If I get a boloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The blond opens his lunch, sees the boloney and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"

 

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A would be robber James Elliott from Long Beach, California killed himself when his .38 calibre revolver failed to fire, Mr Elliott apparently peered down the barrel and then tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Top 8 Morons of 2002

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)

 

And the winner!

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

 

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."