Forum Line Book

Actual label instructions on consumer products:

• On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
• On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
• On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
• On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
• On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
• In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
• On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
• In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
• On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
• On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
• On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
• On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
• On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
• On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
• On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
• On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.
• On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
• On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
• On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD.
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
• On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
• On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

 

Careers That Slipped Away:

• "I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate."
• "I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax."
• "I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job."
• "I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted."
• "I used to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it."
• "I used to be a deli-worker, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard."
• "I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy."
• "I wanted to be a chef because I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme."
• "I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients."
• "I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems."
• "I used to work for a paper company, but they folded."
• "I used to work for a brake company, but they really went on the skids."
• "I used to work for a bra manufacturer, but they went bust."
• I used to be a surgeon, but I was forced to take a big cut in my salary."
• I used to be a baker, but I was too short of dough."
• "I used to work for a refrigerator manufacturer, but they had their assets frozen."
• "I used to be an upholsterer, but I couldn't cover my costs."
• "I used to work for an adhesive tape company, but they got into a sticky situation."
• "I used to work for a tennis ball manufacturer, but they ended up in court."
• Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
• I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I was discharged.
• After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

Rooster Chuck This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a big commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Chuck dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer..."

 

George Carlin Quotes

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
• I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
• One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
• Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
• A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
• Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

<hr>

 

Elderly Wife Stopped by Police An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

 

We are all aware nowadays of the emercengcy proceedures brief given on board passenger aircraft as we travel off to the far flung exotic places now available to the everyday tourist.

The loadmasters of RAF transport aircraft have been providing an alternative version since the first time a passenger steped into the wright brothers flyer for a trip round the bay at kitty hawk!

My first ever trip in a Puma of Airfix Airways was to carryout a radio mission to New River Lagoon range and since I was nearly in country for only two weeks, my full KD had not arrived. I had only short sleeve shirts and the requirement for for long sleeved clothing to be worn. The only long sleeved thing I had was a purple satin jacket which may have looked good at tiffeneys in edinburgh but not on a Puma of the Royal Air force Support helicopter Force!

never mind, I climbed into the hold and sat down, having flown in Wessex, the puma was like a rolls royce!

The winchman came into the hold and gave his brief, it was finished by him saying "In the event of a crash landing, you wait until the rotors have stopped and you then open the door and head for the dot on the horizon, which will be me smoking a fag and writing my memoirs"!


On a trip in a C130 from Skydestype to Brize, the loadmaster gave his talk, which he ended. "on the event of an emergency, youhead for the nearest exit by using the follow me signs." Later on as he was climbing over some cargo, i noticed on the well of his boots, writen in large dayglo letters the words "Follow Me"!!

 

Ah, the delights of knowing Geeks....


This man is sitting at a bar looking pleased as punch with himself & continually repeating the words: "51 days, yes! 51 days, yes!" The barman asks him what he'd like to drink & the man says: "A pint of bitter, please. 51 days, YEAH!" As the barman pours the drink, he asks the man why he's so chuffed. "I've just completed my first ever jigsaw & I did it in 51 days, yes!" Says the man. "I don't really see much cause for celebration" says the barman. "What do you mean?" retorts the man, "It said 'two to four years' on the box!"

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so". That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't f*****g think so!

What's the similarity between MFI & the Government?
One screw in the wrong place & the whole cabinet falls apart.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his
hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable a***hole!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson & Gene Pitney?
Sir Alex will be playing Giggs this week.

"Doctor, doctor, there's a mince pie up my arse!"
"Would you like some cream for that?"

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them:
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

I phoned up my local Indian takeaway last night
"Do you deliver?" I asked.
"No", said the bloke, "But we do lamb, beef and chicken."

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!" "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells: "No honey, don't do it." The blonde replies: "Shut up! You're next!"

A door to door salesman knocks on a door. A boy about eight years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other. "Is your mum in, son?" Asks the salesman. The boy replies, "Does it bloody look like it?"

 

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

 

This bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looks at him and asks, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Bunnings." (An Australian hardware chain)

 

This could be any country however it has always been Irish for me because they laugh at theirselves and tell better Irish jokes than I do. Sorry Gott.

This is a sequence of naming Irishman. See if you can add to the list:

What do you call an Irishman............?

Rolling in the leaves...................Russell!
Struggling in the pool.................Bob!
Using a shovel..........................Doug!
Lighting the fireworks.................Ira!
Going to church........................Mick!

 

There are also the great novelists who wrote::

Running through the Jungle...................by Will E. Makeit!

Broken Window...................................by Eve A. Brik!

Running Water................................... by I.P. Daly!

 

Words that should exist:

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg'uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma)n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it's nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up

 

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office... It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'; This $20,000 piece of equipment suck water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass..

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

 

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?


Answer: 1368


1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

(Another 6 to condemn those 6 as idiots)

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

6 that flame them for not using the Search feature

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

16 posts of two forum members that are exclusively talking to each other only about lightbulbs and what they did that weekend

24 posts of telling them to take it to PM's

1 moderator that comes in and says something about doing it wrong and that everyone who disagrees gets a warning

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again













It's a joke and a link. Sort of.
[URL="http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2057296.html"[/URL]

World's wittiest lonely hearts ads

A collection of witty and eccentric lonely hearts ads from the London Review of Books have been brought together for a new book.

David Rose, the review's advertising director who launched the personal ads in 1998, is behind They Call Me Naughty Lola.

It features some of the most brilliant and often absurd ads from what's been billed as the world's funniest - and most erudite - lonely-hearts column.

Here's a selection of the funniest, beginning with the one which inspired the book's title:

'They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46).'

'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'

'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'

'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'

'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'

'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'

'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'

'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'

'Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again.'

'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

 

<center>The Bar Story

</center> This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real pr**k when you're drunk!"

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

 

Air force one and the farmer
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"

 

Two stories come to mind, both from personal experience.

During the period October 1945 to January 1947 I was stationed in the Trieste area.

The end of the war had seen my unit, the 4th Queen’s Own Hussars, change from its wartime footing to its original pre-war role of a prestigious cavalry regiment.

Fortunately for me I had achieved the lofty rank of Corporal and as Tech Corporal to A Squadron was allowed to get on and do my job without too much parade bashing and bull-s***t. Part of the price I paid for this dispensation was being on several committees connected with the welfare of the regiment, one of which was the subtly named ‘Canteen and Cookhouse Committee’ and which included in its ranks the O/Rs Messing Officer.

We used to meet once a week and had a chance to air our views and make recommendations about future menus.

One day someone asked “What about chips for a change?’

The Messing officer said, “The only problem is the shortage of frying oil, unless you don’t mind the cook using horse fat”

This immediately produced shrieks of disgust from the committee until the Messing Officer said, “ I don’t know why you’re protesting so much. You’ve been eating horse for weeks now!”

After a shocked silence he went on to explain that at a recent Gymkhana, organised by the regiment, one of the horses being entered had broken its neck and a decision had been made not to waste the meat.
Thinking back, we never got our chips after all!

The other tale concerns the same period and occured in the same barracks.

As part of the Regiment’s ‘peacetime’ procedure we used to have morning parades in which the whole regiment took part and the CO took this as an opportunity to address us on matters of importance.
On one occasion he told us that he had been annoyed to hear of his troops complaining about the size of their portions at mealtimes.
He went on to say that civilians back in England were still having to live on very restricted rations and to shame us all he was having set up at the entrance to the dining hall a table on which would be the civilian’s rations for a week.
Having delivered his sermon for the week we were then dismissed to our duties.
The very next day the whole regiment was abruptly summoned on an unscheduled parade to be faced by an apoplectic CO.
Some had stolen the ‘civilians rations for the week’ !

I can’t remember what terrible punishment he meted out to us for this heinous behaviour but I still remember the colour of his face when he made his announcement.

 

*sniggers*

Nice one.

And Morse, that one is vaguely familiar.......