Forum Line Book

New Preamble to the Australian Constitution
WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.
We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.
While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.
So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.
Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?
Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping

 

It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.

Tommy Cooper was climbing out of a taxi when he hands the cabbie something and tells him "Have a drink on me"! it was a tea bag!

 

http://xmb.stuffucanuse.com/xmb/viewthread.php?action=attachment&tid=1329&pid=3278

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.


At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying:

You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light.


It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.

 

Quality abuse exchange!
I hadn't realised Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward had joined the Forum??

I walked into my local and there in the corner was my mate and he was pinching Oscar Wilde's bum. I asked him what he was doing? He replied, "I'm at my wits end!

 

This is bloody hilarious! But Spidge, I'm afraid you are losing by about 3-1 at the moment.

 

Here is a story told By Tommy Cooper.

He was on Holiday in Egypt and went to a local bazzar. He went up to a stall selling Fezs and put needing a new one for his act, tried one on.

The stallholder said to Tommy, "Just like that"! Then went on to say "Thats what all the English tourists say when they put that Fez on"!

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He
remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the
arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the
gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he
got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road
leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

" There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the
man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road
said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you
do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know
how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
_________________

 

President Bush Was Very Distressed To Hear That 3 Brazillian Soldiers Were Killed In Iraq.
He Was Seen With His Head In His Hands In A Very Agitated State, Which Was A Bit Odd,so One Of His Aids Asked Why He Was So Upset.
President Bush Replied 'just How Many Is A Brazillian'

 

|Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.



The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia,

Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy

(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

 

Heather Mills-McCartney expects a 300 million pounds divorce settlement. Which proves that after marrying Paul she's certainly landed on her foot.

 

I see as a part of the divorce settlement Paul Macartney has to give Heather Mills his plane. He also has to buy her a ladyshave for the other leg.

 

NEWS FLASH In an attempt to prevent the spread of bird flu, George Bush has bombed the Canary Islands

 

Q: What's the newest paint color on the market? A: Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreads really easy!

 

Handy Latin Phrases
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
If you can read this you're over-educated
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

 

These are real extracts from appraisals (character assassinations).
Notes for civvies reading this: Appraisals consist of various text boxes against which comments are made by
Reviewing Officers (RO) followed by a promotion recommendation:
Rec =Recommended
HRec = Highly Recommended
There are 3 Reporting Officers (1st 2nd and 3rd) in an individuals reporting chain. Individuals are identified here by rank and trade only (you do not need the details to appreciate this).
<HR align=left width="25%">DOWNRIGHT FUNNY
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"However he maintains a good level of physical fitness by frequently walking his hyperactive dog".
<HR align=left width="25%">3rd RO on Jnr Tech MUSN
"Jnr Tech ****** quietly gets on with his work without blowing his own trumpet".
<HR align=left width="25%">3rd RO on Chf Tech Eng Tech EL
"Chf Tech ****** does not suffer fools gladly - he should show more tact when the fools are at a higher rank".
<HR align=left width="25%">
CURIOUS STATEMENTS/CONTRADICTIONS
1st RO on SAC ASOP
"A family illness recently caused her Falklands detachment to be cancelled and to her credit she never allowed her personal problems to interfere with her service commitments".
<HR align=left width="25%"> 2nd RO on FS A Eng Tech

"He helps to maintain his high fitness level through badminton, swimming and chasing tradesmen around the hanger".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC/A/Cpl RAFP
"Whilst not a particularly good NCO I believe he has the potential to have made an excellent officer".
<HR align=left width="25%"> 2nd RO on Cpl Pers Admin

"His confident attitude and open humour made him a popular individual who
had a refreshing attitude to life and an open adoration for Cilla Black, which I could never understand".
<HR align=left width="25%"> 2nd RO on SAC ASOP

"SAC ****** has day dreamed his blissful way through another year of disembodied euphoria. Unruffled, easy going, un-resentful, unhurried, he drifts his quiet way through days and nights of shifts leaving barely a ripple".
<HR align=left width="25%"> SUMMING UP AN INDIVIDUAL IN ONE SENTENCE

1st RO on SAC MTD
"He has given the me impression of being an experienced mountaineer who has settled for climbing Ben Nevis when he could quite easily conquer Everest".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"Under pressure SAC ****** tends to take the bull by the throat rather than by the horns".
<HR align=left width="25%">2nd RO on SAC Chef
"His laziness and low standards of work have alienated the majority of his work mates to such an extent that being on shift with him is seen as a punishment".
<HR align=left width="25%"> 1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech EL

"Cpl ****** is as frustrating as a firework that refuses to ignite".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC Std
"He is the most evenly balanced Steward on the Station, he has a chip on both shoulders".
<HR align=left width="25%">2nd RO on Sgt Eng Tech AV
"A keen angler who would rather catch fish than try to out drink them".
<HR align=left width="25%">OUTRIGHT INSULTS
1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"SAC ****** is a cheerful young man with a pleasant smile and co-operative manner. At this point his good qualities cease".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on Sgt RAFP
"His contribution to the Sqn is minimal, on his good days he makes up the numbers. He has been sick for some time and we are investigating the possibility of having him posted 'non-effective', which is also an accurate description of him when he is here".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC Std
"In my opinion the best contribution he can make to the Royal Air Force is to leave".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC Supplr
"Frankly SAC ****** is useless, there is no other way to say it".
<HR align=left width="25%">POOR ENGLISH
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"He swims and cycles to work to keep himself fit" (at Brize Norton).
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on SAC FFTR
"To conclude, SAC ****** has decided to terminate his life and career within the RAF for employment with the police force".
On which the 3rd RO comments:
"Contrary to the 1st RO's belief, SAC ****** wishes to terminate his RAF career, not his life".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on Cpl Med Admin
"He is single, but is in a stable relationship with a 3 year old daughter. He therefore lives off station in his own house".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on Cpl Pers Admin
"She has provided much needed stiffening to the section during the tours of two unremarkable SNCOs".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech AV
"Cpl ****** has been involved in arranging for the care of his father who is recently deceased".
<HR align=left width="25%">NOT ATTRIBUTED
Hopefully he will mature into an engineer, but at this time the best description of him is a well spoken twit.
<HR align=left width="25%">He has made no secret of his ambition to one day becoming commissioned, with a preference for the admin branch.
<HR align=left width="25%">
Her typing, whilst energetic, will keep the makers of Snopake happy for a long time.

<HR align=left width="25%">SAC ****** is still immature and, at times, a scruffy airman, however, it is hoped that his recent marriage will offer him some sense of responsibility and someone to do the ironing.
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO - The club he runs recently raised money for a local disabled person to have an electric chair.
<HR align=left width="25%">2ND RO - I think I should point out that the electric chair mentioned by the assessor has wheels and is used to help the owner to get about. As far as I am aware Cpl ****** has no homicidal tendencies.
<HR align=left width="25%">In his established post he only has to supervise the work of one Group Captain.
<HR align=left width="25%">As a character Chf Tech ****** is rather rotund in appearance and is apt to produce rude noises from either end of his frame, at regular intervals.
<HR align=left width="25%">
..... and particularly irksome is his use of "10-4" in place of the more acceptable "yes, sir".

<HR align=left width="25%">He leaves the service this year which should allow his supervisors, various members of the admin staff and the investigation branch to return to normal duties.


<HR align=left width="25%">Jnr Tech ****** is an active member of the station Tai Kwon Do club, and can often be seen leaping around the station in his pyjamas.
<HR align=left width="25%">He is employed as a VDU operator. He spends most of his time operating a VDU.
<HR align=left width="25%">He must, as a matter of urgency, learn to control his tendency, when off duty, to attack RAF policemen.
<HR align=left width="25%">...... his character is about as dynamic as a feather pillow.
<HR align=left width="25%">****** has developed the knack of ensuring that most personnel on the squadron who have any dealings with him for more than 15 mins at a time, would happily use him for target practice on the rifle range.
<HR align=left width="25%">His woeful _expression gives him the air of a cocker spaniel who has just received bad news.
<HR align=left width="25%">In a year that has had her re-married, posted and given a totally new piece of equipment to work with, SACW ****** has come out of it reasonably well.
<HR align=left width="25%">A beer drinking, swashbuckling, full member of the Air Force, the kind you would select when the going gets tough ****** has been very useful in teaching our new recruits the ins and outs of service life.
This was confirmed with the originator, whose further comment was: She's a real man".
<HR align=left width="25%">Unfortunately Cpl ****** is less reliable than his dog.
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC ****** has been what a haemorrhoid is to a human from the start of the course. He also found himself pitch forked into the Officers Mess where he was up against some very cute cookies.
<HR align=left width="25%">3rd RO. Cpl ****** biggest problem would seem to be his inability to ignore a pretty female face! While I admire his sentiments, he is frequently distracted from his primary task and this is reflected in his numerical assessments and promotion recommendation. If he does not respond to counseling, we may have to resort to bromide in the tea!
<HR align=left width="25%">3rd RO. Generally very sensible in his outlook, he has been involved in a few bizarre incidents, mainly associated with beer and bicycles, which have resulted in him sustaining some personal injuries. I'm glad to report that such incidents are becoming far less frequent, mainly because he now shows a more reasoned and consistent judgement, but also because people are less prepared to lend him their bicycles.1st RO. SAC ****** has the uncanny knack of pulling the wool over his superiors' eyes by giving them the opinion he knows what is going on around him.
2nd RO. Amended promotion. Rec. From (Rec) to 5 (HRec).
3rd RO. ... and established himself, in the eyes of his superiors, as the most competent aerial erector in the flight.
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO. His ability to empty a crewroom, merely by being there, usually after a meal of curry or beans, could be a disadvantage in a staff post.
<HR align=left width="25%">Sgt ****** remains on good terms with his first wife, has acrimonious dealings with his second and appears happily married to his third. The numerous offspring further complicate matters.
<HR align=left width="25%">He can show a kindness and tact when necessary but can equally turn a transgressing airman into a pillar of salt (or jelly) at 100 yards. He has frightened me, as a casual observer.
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC ****** is tall, blond and handsome; every mother's dream of an ideal son-in-law. The trouble is that he doesn't differentiate between mothers and daughters.
<HR align=left width="25%">2nd RO. He does his best but needs more practice at being "beastly to the troops".
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO. He is a keen supporter of York City but manages to stay cheerful during the football season.
<HR align=left width="25%">1st RO. It is difficult to comment about ******'s supervisory abilities as he has only one subordinate on the unit, whom he dislikes working with and avoids socially.
<HR align=left width="25%">******'s appetite for adventure and physical exertion fully justifies his nickname "Rambo".
<HR align=left width="25%">I can see little hope in Cpl... progressing any further, short of a major
outbreak of hostilities, culminating in a high mortality rate.
<HR align=left width="25%">WO ****** is a 9 to 4, as opposed to an 8 to 5 man, and the RAF will not miss him when he leaves - he has already retired.
<HR align=left width="25%">F6442 NARRATIVE COMMENTS
These are actual comments made by Reporting Officers and were provided by the "Reading Cell" at RAF PMC. Although the Cell is now defunct, rumour has it that it is about to be reintroduced.
Cpl Spplr (2nd RO)
"He is not unintelligent, just somewhat stupid".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl L Tech AD (3rd RO)
"In the short time I have known him, he has had a reputation for never being at work, being either on stand down or sport, or time off in lieu".
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC Gnr (3rd RO)
"SAC ****** went through an unfortunate phase of rolling tanks over by being a bit too aggressive whilst driving them. Fortunately, he survived these experiences with only his pride dented - I wish I could say the same for the tanks".
<HR align=left width="25%">Sgt Gnr (3rd RO)
"Sgt ****** will enjoy his forthcoming tour in Belize where there are lots of donkeys for him to talk the hind legs off".
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC F'Man (2nd RO)
It would appear that SAC ****** wants to go from chrysalis to butterfly without the creepy-crawly bits in between".
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"Recently he was drinking late with a fellow clerk when he decided that his friend had had too much to drink - so he had him arrested by the RAF Police. I feel a more appropriate course of action would have been to take his friend home".
<HR align=left width="25%">Jnr Tech A Tech A (1st RO)
"Jnr Tech ****** is, as far as the RAF is concerned, an 'if only' case. If only he was interested - if only he was motivated - if only he was involved. However, he does his job, albeit with more chasing by his supervisors than
is normal. He will complete his service, leave with a 'beer call' and people will think "oh yes, he was a good fellow".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl (W) P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"When she is on her own her supervisory capabilities are more in evidence".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl A Tech P (2nd RO)
"He is a tall, well-built Welshman who looks as if he could play rugby for his country; if not, at least he could chop down the trees used for the goal posts.
<HR align=left width="25%">SACW AATC (1st RO)
"SACW ****** must be to the emancipation of womanhood what concrete is to flying".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl P&A Clk (1st/2nd RO)
1st RO - "He accepts that he has no career prospects in the RAF and his sole ambition when he leaves the Service is to become a long-distance lorry driver; a lonely job for which he is well-suited. Alternatively, he should consider the quiet contemplative life of a Trappist Monk".
2nd RO - "I am pleased to see a slight improvement in Cpl ******'s overall performance since last year".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl Supplr (1st RO)
"Cpl ******'s attitude appears to be one of setting himself a daily minimum workload target, then regularly failing to achieve it".
<HR align=left width="25%">Sgt Pers Admin (2nd RO)
"He can at best be likened to a hoop - when being driven by a stick performs reasonably well, but when the stick is taken away, wobbles precariously to a halt".
<HR align=left width="25%">Sgt Chef (3rd RO)
"Commenting on a couple who both have volatile temperaments, the husband with one view, the wife with another. I fear that the one whose aim with the saucepan is the better may win the argument.
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC Supplr (3rd RO)
"A painfully quiet and withdrawn individual who would need a pedestal to stand out in a crowd. I fear he is destined to remain a drone".
<HR align=left width="25%">SAC TCO (2nd RO)
"though it is unlikely he will ever become a 'hare', SAC ****** is nevertheless a steady and faithful tortoise".
<HR align=left width="25%">WO A Tech P (3rd RO)
"WO ****** is magic. He has the wisdom and experience of his years, the energy of a 20 year old, and the subtlety of a flying house brick".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl MT Tech (2nd RO)
"Cpl ****** may only be 20 years old but he is in effect a middle-aged hen-pecked husband".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl Gen Tech GSE (3rd RO)
"Cpl ****** is awkward to talk to, and on occasions trying to get information out of him is like trying to get dead flies off a windscreen".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl(W) AATC (2nd RO)
"When she arrived it was feared in some quarters that one so petite might have some difficulty in dealing with the hulking young men she was asked to supervise. She floats like a butterfly but can sting like a bee - in the nicest possible way".
<HR align=left width="25%">Cpl A Tech P (3rd RO)
"I only met Cpl ****** once before his accident and it is difficult to assess someone in hospital, particularly when he is in an oxygen tent".

 

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force
The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).
The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)
The lesson: Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.
From the June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports. Item taken from Software Testing and Quality Engineering magazine, Volume 1, Issue 6 (November/December 1999).

 

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

 

Aircraft Warning and Control ... Rules of the Sky:1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It`s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you`ve made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they`re just so ugly the Earth repels them. (I always thought it was the Power of Prayer that kept them up! - Ed)
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago

 

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"