A young officer thought he would educate the men in his troop and gave them a series of lectures on Egypt, the Pharaoh's and their Gods. A while later the troop was remounted and each trooper was allowed to name his own horse. Moving around the stables he was asking the names allocated. He approached one and asked him his horse's name. "Horus", he replied. The young officer was delighted; at least one had been awake during his lectures. "So you decided to name your horse for Horus the Egyptian God" he gushed. " Naw, named him after me Brother Horus, an e's a costermonger."
The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a Haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, And the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money From you; I'm doing community Service this week.' The florist was pleased And left the shop. When the barber went To open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses Waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when He tries to pay his bill, the barber again Replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm Doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next Morning when the barber went to Open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a Dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his Door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he Went to pay his bill, the barber again Replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm Doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The Next morning, when the barber went To open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up Waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the Fundamental difference between the citizens of Our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Please Pray Pretty Please. Tell me there is no copyright on that chummy chum chum. Good One! - or just pop in and do it yourself. K? Its free to join the forum. (PS: Nothing there is copyright. We are religious on that there. As am I everywhere. That being a major part of my life: Copyright infringements) If A-OK I will lift it and plop it straight away up on by far and away THE biggest and BEST Jokes thread ANYWHERE on Terra Firma. 4,360 Replies and counting! - Things That Make You Laugh Your Ass Off - 836,617 (yup) hits and counting! This found at HangGliding.org (My #1 Passion in Live. ) 100% Clean Jokes, other than two that are SO funny the moderator left them up with BIG RED OFFENISIVE CONTENT CAUTIONS. My Avatar (My mid sized Master Image over there) ... where my real life is: a Gaggle of Hang Gliders and Paragliders caught in a Monster Dust Devil aka Mini Tornado... DANG QUOTE GLITCHES With Diss Invison Power Platform YET AGAIN... Good To See this piece of sh__ Going. Bye Bye. Chilanko Bye"
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
Subject: BEWARE..... WARNING TESCO's car park . Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's in Aylesbury for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20 something year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to The town centre, You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on February 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 28th. Also on March 1st, 4th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. you can get cheap wallets up the town for £2.50""
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said: The cat just died. She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom? Husband: She is playing on the roof.
-------- > > > A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. > > They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would > just walk home. > > On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a > gallon of paint. > > He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a > goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to > carry his purchases home. > > While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who > told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose > Cottage Lane ?' > > The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that > house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' > > The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. > Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the > goose in your other hand?' > > 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. > > On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be > there in no time.' > > The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely > widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the > alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your > way with me?' > > The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of > paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you > up against the wall and do that?' > > > > The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put > the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" And that, is a real positive attitude.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, Theresa May will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
Been reading the early life of an influential chap in the Royal Navy. He was a professional wrestler before he was able to gain a commission in the Navy where he wrote a report for the Admiralty detailing the number of prostitutes serving aboard warships. He concluded that a proportion of 1 to every 20 men made for a happy ship and his recommendation was eventually used aboard every ship. Because of this, he became better known as Whore ratio and his true name of "Alf" has been forgotten. Next up is a book about people who have a strong dislike for lions - Pride and Prejudice i think. Also one about a horse working in an iron foundry making girders for river crossings............ The mare of cast a bridge
#25 is my favourite. Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists - they're supposedly ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks managed by Parks Canada staff! 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'E-l-k' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to BC, do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the BC border? 19. When we enter BC do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know. 23. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? 24. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? 25. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom." Tourist: "Oh!”
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What is so sexually threatening about a co-worker simply telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."
