Jokes thread

No I am definitely not Spartacus, those other guys may think they are but I am not. never heard of the guy in fact. Just bumped into those lads in a wine bar, assumed they were some sort of supporters club - bit of a rough lot if you ask me - ha ha ha, Now officer if you can just see your way to letting me toddle off home .......

 

If you are attracted by a gang of evil clowns, what is your best tactic?

Go for the juggler.

 

Attacked...……..

 

If attached to a gang of evil clowns must be a typical (name football club) supporter

 

Well I'll just see myself out before you all start throwing rotten vegetables at me

 

It's all in the...…………………………………………………………………..delivery!

 

Tim

 

An Alberta homeowner wakes up one morning to find a large grizzly bear on his roof.

So he checks the yellow pages and ... sure enough ... there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removal."

He calls the number and a man named Pete says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

Pete ... a big, burly, bearded man ... arrives and gets out of his pickup truck which displays a sign that states “Alberta Bear Removal.”

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and an old, mean, heavily-scarred pit bull.

The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of my truck"

Pete then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

The homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?"

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

Went to the chemist today and asked what they had to get rid of corona virus. The young lady behind the counter said, "Ammonia Cleaner." "Oh," I replied," I'm sorry, but I thought you were the pharmacist!"

 

Good News! Apparently President Trump has come into contact with the Coronavirus.
In response, the virus has gone into self-quarantine for two weeks.

 

Kevin

 

I thought he had caught the new strain of it - now called Tannovirus

TD

 

Naw he should be all right - it only affects bats, pangolins and humans - hang on though - pangolin a scaley primitive mammal - perhaps not.

 

"I don't do much wildlife photography, so I was super excited to get these shots. They're thought to be nearly extinct. Over-hunting has had the biggest impact on their numbers. They like to travel in packs of 2, 4, 6, 8, and up, so seeing this one out solo says something about how seriously they've been affected. I'm just glad I had my zoom."

 

Be careful - there's obviously a bear in the vicinity

 

Presumably a member of the Greedy B****r species.

 

"And here our photographer has set up a lure for home sapiens feralis. We shall wait quietly and see whether the desire for toilet paper will lure one of this reclusive species out into the open."

 

The toilet paper inventory is virtually all gone and it wasn't a particularly good environmental choice anyway.

There were no lineups at the pet store and the reusable aspect of this hygiene solution made it a far superior choice. Doing my bit to save the planet, I bought 3.

 

Is this proof positive that bears shit in the woods?